Internal Wrestling Pre-la Move
This list is personal. I'm sorry! I was born in NY & I've lived here for 15 years accumulatively. I'm scared to leave!Here are some thoughts that've been on rotation. (➕I know it's not ur responsibility but LA people, experienced adults, therapists - anyone.. will you tell me the ways in which this might be positive? Or ways that LA is wonderful?➕)
- •My girls are here.I've been reflective on the roots I've laid down here and it sounds cliché but so much of my life is centered around the family I've gotten to choose. I struggled for a long time in my relationship to women and I find myself surrounded by some true blue girls who want joy for me and I for them. They show up. They laugh with me. We call each other out and talk thru things. We cry, we dance, we fall asleep together. They feel like my limbs... And I'm scared to head out without them.
- •A 70 year old stranger woman tried to open mouth kiss me in the park.She just walked up, cupped my face, opened her mouth and went in (I went into paralysis) and my friend yelled "No." Before she planted her smooch. I felt a bit violated but it weirdly made me love this city more and also just really made me laugh. But also made me feel relieved that soon I'd be in some climate controlled car (frozen on the 101).
- •I'm not done with my fight.I'm still hungry. And I'm not done fighting for my dreams. New York has been the only place I've ever done that. I love this city... Especially the way it beats me up. I'm also young and have a very limited experience. Maybe I can fight somewhere else? It just feels like everyone is fighting together here... In a driven way.
- •Are there salads in LA?See that? 😏 I'm masking my real emotions in jokes.
- •I grew up in LAI wasn't that happy reallay. I'm not that person anymore. Truly. I didn't love my life there or myself really. I've cherished the 3,000 miles between me and my past. Symbolically, for me LA is the epicenter of dishonesty: emotionally, personally, socially, growth-wise you name it. Does it have to be that? Can I make it new? Also tho. Who liked high school anyway? MAYBE it will force me to face my past (and grow past ...And move forward) very well could!
- •➕Is there a music scene in LA? ➕What's it like? I obviously know people have made this work there... But I know it's gonna take time to understand that hustle. But I have questions: If everyone lives freeways apart- how do you draw at shows? Do bands root against each other out there? I don't like that! Do you have to have gone to private school to be a success? Do you have to be thin to drink a juice? Should I start to wear a floor length blonde wig? All big questions to which the answer is perhaps.
- •PACKINGHaving the most visceral emotional swells in reaction to touching every object I own. Do I throw it away? Do I need it? I'm dissociated. I don't trust myself enough to make any decisions. Part of me wants to move with nothing the other part is so scared of regretting anything. Maybe moving just sucks.
- •Do people fart in LA?See that? Did the avoidance thing again!
- •Don't Know MindSince I'm walking away from a lot. It'd help to picture what any of this new page is gonna look like. Sometimes I picture myself as someone completely new and different... But then I realize I'm gonna be me still with all my thoughts, thirsts, my bad back, my same wardrobe and my same bank account. Then I say... Maybe I'll live in a giant house with a pool above a roller rink.. probs. not. I don't know what it'll be so I keep trying to paint it out. How do we stay positive when we don't know?