How to Remove Your Own Eyes

  1. Set up a clean working area
    I can't stress this enough. Lay out a towel on a flat surface, and throw another one over your shoulder for easy access to it. There's going to be some flailing around, but if you breathe and remember the location for some easy to reach items, you'll be okay. Cut your gauze and put one stack on each side of the sink. (Three standard size Johnson and Johnson gauze pads seem to plug up the average eye socket pretty well.) Preparation is key!
  2. Be sure you want to remove your eyes
    I feel like this should have opened the list but I didn't want to come off too preachy. If you're under 18, it goes without saying that you should check with mom and dad before removing any one of the two of your eyes.
  3. Start with the opposing eye of your non-dominant hand
    You're going to want to begin with the hand you're least comfortable with, crossing over to the eye furthest from it. This is because when you remove the first eye you'll have help from your other still-good eye. Once you remove it, you're going to be severely distracted by the complex variety of pains. This is where you're going to need all the dexterity you can get, and using your dominant hand on eye number two is a good way to get a tactical advantage.
  4. Choose your implement wisely
    Contrary to popular belief, there is no one ideal eye removal tool. The common go-to is a melon baller but what I've found is that the scooping radius is just barely smaller than the average eyeball, and so you don't get a clean extraction. You want what I call the "full moon." In my experience, choking up on a standard size spoon seems to give the best balance between ease of scoop and pure torque. I find Oneida to be a good brand of flatware. YMMV.
  5. Keep the lids
    I don't want to get too graphic here, but in all their excitement, some people forget that they still need their eyelids. Lids protect the orbital cavities from exposure to the elements, and save others from suffering "socket shock." Note that once the eyes are gone, the lids won't follow a pleasant curved contour, but will instead just flap about like little curtains.
  6. Don't be a braggart
    So you've removed both of your eyes at home. Congratulations! Now what? I have no idea, buddy, but I'll tell you this: when you're at a party, or standing around doing nothing at work anymore, let the conversation come to you. People will be reserved at first, but in time they'll ask you what happened to your face and eyes, and that's when you can ease into telling them about your hip new body mod! Have fun and be safe!