Uncle John's Truth About Dudes

A guide for (good) women to help to understand (good) men. Inspired by the endearing anguish of @emmaburke
  1. Guys are allowed one (1) chance to use the "I'm scared" card.
    I personally don't love when anybody invokes fear as a sort of diplomatic immunity, but a guy shouldn't get more than one pass on this. Yes, it is possible that his feelings for you were so strong that it confused/agonized/frightened him for a moment, but this can only come up once, let alone at all. Twice and he's playing you. Oh, and if he goes into the crying, "I don't know what's wrong with me" stuff - I will personally come and pick you up.
  2. We torture ourselves in your name when you're not around
    Men are far more sensitive than women know, and one of those sensitives involves the endless obsession over whether or not we feel what we want to feel for them in the timeframe we impose on ourselves. You know what we're doing in between great conversations? Slowly dismantling any authentic feelings via compulsive thinking. We begin to associate that thinking with you personally, and soon... You're the source of the agony. You're secretly responsible for something you didn't know you did!
  3. Guys take longer to get comfortable with being sexual than you think
    This one is a myth-shatterer here. We're talking months in some cases. Some of the best sex comes after some of the worst, and sometimes failure to launch is actually the beginning of a very intimate and honest relationship. Possibly because...
  4. We don't know we don't want to bang everything that moves
    Which means that sometimes, we go for someone we're not yet aware of that we can't get revved up for. And that might be you. And I'm sorry, but as men we were taught to believe if we couldn't fuck anything on a moment's notice, there was a problem with us. So we never ask ourselves whether we could see ourselves getting sexually attracted to you because we've been trained to think "one way or another, it's going down." Welcome to hell.
  5. Every orgasm is special in its own way.
    Or, at least I promise this is what it feels like to us. You might think that the rule of supply/demand would factor in here, but you can hurt our feelings if you minimize the need to get off. It's not some dumb, oafish thing. It's highly emotional, and each time feels like the most important time, ever. Let me be clear here! I'm not suggesting you entertain us every time. Decline, but don't dismiss.
  6. Win the conceptual, win the man.
    This means that men - creative men especially - are sort of in their own matrix all the time. That world is made of ideas, and ideas are our reality. I don't have enough characters to explain this in depth, but just know that in many cases, if you can learn to integrate with his idea space, he'll bond with you deeply. Forget what you may have thought about this: you do want him to love the idea of you!
  7. It's a good time to be with a dude.
    We're just the right amount deferential/scared of your cultural clout that the scales are actually well balanced for mutual love and respect. Get out there, say hello, and have some fun, you crazy kids!
  8. *EDIT* Sometimes, what looks like being over it is actually us getting into it.
    This is a second attempt at one of the items that I've since deleted because it sent the wrong message. A lot of guys find great peace and connection in "steadiness" but our version sometimes reads like "complacency." And then begins the real missed opportunities for both parties to go deeper... When two people want the same thing but via the opposite direction...ouch...See me after class for more explanation.