Star Wars: Episode 1 Is Horrible

I'm trying to watch the Star Wars movies leading up to this week's big event, but I can't keep documenting how horrible Episode 1 is.
  1. 1.
    The dialog, good lord the dialogue.
    Every phrase is a colloquialism that doesn't make sense in the Star Wars world. "This is cozy." "Oops!"
  2. 2.
    Liam Neeson's makeup and wig.
  3. 3.
    The music!! I forgot that every second there are strings drowning you.
  4. 4.
    Landing far from their targets
    Everyone, whether visiting or invading, lands their vehicles miles from their target and then have to walk or drive stupid vehicles tons.
  5. 5.
    All councils-Gungan or Jedi or Queen Amadala's-are people/creatures sitting in a circle in horribly ugly chairs.
  6. 6.
    C G f'n I - not only don't the special effects hold up, but they are everywhere. In every shot. They constantly take you out of the movie.
    I could my watch episodes IV's tench run a million times and love it. Every screen of this one bothers me.
  7. 7.
    Jar Jar Binks
    He's worse than you remember him.
  8. 8.
    Miticlorians. MITICLORIANS!?
  9. 9.
    Inconsistent Jedi powers
    In one scene Obi Wan runs a hundred miles per hour. Another, when outrunning a TANK, he can only run at normal human speed.
  10. 10.
    APPLES!? They went out of their way in first trilogy to make up their own foods (Aunt Beru's goo, for example), but here they just have a bowl of normal fruit? I have an idea: don't show anything.
    This was all for a gag if Jar Jar sucking up a piece of fruit with his tongue.
  11. 11.
    It. Is. So. Incredibly. Slowly. Paced.
    I'm 41 minutes in and I feel like I've been watching for 2 days.
  12. 12.
    Anakin is the ONLY human who can compete in the pod race? He's the only one good enough? He's, like, 8. So, no human competed until a 7 year old got behind the wheel of an incredibly deadly machine?
  13. 13.
    I forgot Anakin has no father. His mom's like, "nope. Didn't sleep with anyone. He just grew inside me."
  14. 14.
    There's a part where repair droids do a 3 stooges routine.
  15. 15.
    There's a fart joke. An animal farts near Jar Jar. Imagine a bantha farting on Chewie? C'mon.
  16. 16.
    Qui-Gon doesn't save Anakin's mom
    He's one of the most powerful Jedi in the universe and he just accepts that Anakin's mom has to stay a slave. "Can't I just walk in the desert with you? Like, right now as you're leaving?" "No. Stay here." "I can walk it just to the ship to wave you off, then... Maybe... Get on the ship?" "No. Stay here."
  17. 17.
    Qui-Gon escapes Darth Maul by JUMPING into a passing ship. Because Darth Maul wouldn't have seen that coming. Guys... I don't know how much more I can take.
  18. 18.
    Samuel L Jackson
    He's horrible in this movie. Maybe he wasn't used to delivering lines to green screens and floating tennis balls, but he is so boring in this. He lacks all charisma.
  19. 19.
    "A boy. His cells have the highest concentration of miticlorians I have ever seen in a life form. It is possible he was conceived by miticlorians."
    What. The. Fuck. First off "IN A LIFEFORM?" What, miticlorians are dense in rocks? And "CONCEIVED BY MITICLORIANS?" Ooooooh-kaaaayyy.
  20. 20.
    This entire Jedi council. They have so many reaction takes of the Jedi just looking at each other as if that's the only way to show surprise.
  21. 21.
    Sam Jackson, resolved, says, "bring him before us, then" as if he were about to puke and fall asleep at the same time.
  22. 22.
    Omg. I forgot how robotic Portman is as Amadala in costume. It's like she's trying to see how little she can move her mouth while talking.
  23. 23.
    Oh, yeah. Right. Of course they take the 8 year old on the final assault. It'd make no sense to just leave him somewhere safe... It's a tiny, tiny universe, after all.
  24. 24.
    I can't take much more of this. If there were video on List App, I'd have about 1 hour, 50 minutes in here with my commentary. (I've seen 1 hr, 50 mins so far)
  25. 25.
    We went from the brilliance of the battle of Endor to... What... A battle from a Windows 95 pc game?
  26. 26.
    This three-way battle with Maul, Obi Wan and Qui-Gon is laughable. I mean... They aren't even pretending to swing to hit the other guy. I mean... Just watch it again.
    Actually, don't.
  27. 27.
    How does this look WORSE than the original Star Wars, out 20 years earlier?
  28. 28.
    When Obi Wan runs through the force field zone, he does it at normal human speed, not Jedi speed, because... Why?
  29. 29.
    This is, like, anti-cinematography. No finesse. No style. You don't even know where to look.
  30. 30.
    I'm losing it. How lazy is this set and costume design?
  31. 31.
    Reassure yourself it's cool an 8 year old commits mass death when destroying that ship. Totally cool. That's won't f him up at all.
  32. 32.
    Last thing: copying the ending of Episode IV here, pretty much shot-for-shot, is just salt on the wounds.
  33. 33.
    Here comes Episode II... * sigh * Star Wars: Episode 2 Sucks