THINGS THEY DONT TELL YOU WHEN YOU'RE IN 5TH GRADE AND YOU DECIDE TO TAKE UP THE TROMBONE
'They' meaning parents, teachers, advisors, and people who care about you.
- •This thing sounds like shit.The trombone is the big gold horn with the 'slide' thing that makes it look like a really really shiny car engine part. And the actual SOUND that this thing is famous for is the sound that happens in cartoons whenever anyone gets mega bummed out. Yeah, that's it. Nary a good song has ever been enhanced by a killer trombone slide.
- •This thing is literally heavier than you.Ok you're in 5th grade bud. Once you choose this gross thing as your 'instrument' in band class, it will then become part of your daily inventory. The slidey thing is funny/cool for 25 seconds, once. Not once daily, but once ever. The rest of all your seconds are burdened with the fact that you're dragging around a cumbersome, plastic case that weighs 98 pounds and bumps into everything because you weren't smart enough to choose "drum sticks" like Alain Roullet.
- •Your gross, old band teacher Mrs. Dyewill invariably sense your loathing misery and attempt to make you feel better by announcing things like "you know they say trombone players are the best kissers" and then smile at you sideways like she just did you a huge social favor, instead of painting for everyone a killer mental image of you frenching old ass Mrs Dye.
- •You will be successfulSee, nobody else picked trombone, because they have caring, older brothers who would kick their dicks in for choosing brass band in the first place. So now, you're in 'first chair' because you're actually the only one playing that instrument. Congrats! You now have a borderline default chance of going to "All City", which looks great on college applications and is right at the top of the list of 'things that are less cool than dying'.
- •"Tromboner"Get used to this word, Einstein.
- •You will quit trombone right before Junior High...Giving you precisely enough time to forget everything .... Right as ska becomes cool and... Nice job, you blew it again because Alain (who didn't quit) joins a ska band, grows tiny dreads and and learns how to do backflips on stage... While you are learning how to paint Warhammer miniatures and listening to Tom Cochrane and/or Blues Traveller.
- •There's a spit valveCool name, trombone-terminology lab. The spit-valve is a little button located at the end of the slidey-tube, and when you push it, no less than 1.5 Killyourselfs of actual spit drains onto the ground/backpacks near your feet. So weird you don't have friends though.