Breakup Not-cures

I was going to do a Breakup Cures list but then realized it would just be verbatim what @stamos said. So here's a bunch of stupid and/or terrible things I did over the years, which you should not do!
  1. 1.
    Write your ex an email with the subject "FUCK YOU."
    I had just found out about some truly deceitful, cruel shit she'd pulled and then later lied to my face about, in one of our post-breakup "transition" conversations, but THIS IS NEVER EVER A GOOD IDEA. I think most people would say "of course that's a bad idea, for like 17 reasons." But a broken heart can eviscerate your judgment.
  2. 2.
    Have a bunch of post-breakup "transition" conversations.
    This is still your best friend, right? Can't you guys be mature adults and talk to each other about what you're going through? NO YOU CAN'T.
  3. 3.
    Spill your feelings out to everyone who asks how you're doing.
    A few close friends, sure. But the random acquaintance being polite at a cocktail party really doesn't need to know how you'd describe your tattered heart today vs two days ago.
  4. 4.
    Get into a protracted email fight with your ex over some petty shit.
    A different girl than the "FUCK YOU" one. In my defense it was 1999 and I was an idiot.
  5. 5.
    Cry loudly on a bench in Soho in the middle of the day.
    I mean, obviously let it out, but ideally the sobbing is in private where you're not a spectacle.
  6. 6.
    Call a superior at work sobbing and barely choke out the phrase "I can't come in today" before hanging up.
    There's a fine line between being true to your feelings, and maintaining some composure with your work colleagues, AND THIS IS WAY WAY OVER THAT LINE.
  7. 7.
    Have a one-night stand with your ex's brother's ex.
    My ex dumped me around the same time her brother dumped his girlfriend. She and I weren't related, of course, so when we ran into each other at a club a couple weeks later, we were like "this isn't gross or incesty at all, ha ha!" But if you want to preserve the possibility of some day being friends with your ex, a la @videodrew's Cures list, this is not the best way to do that.
  8. 8.
    Not have a therapist.
    I didn't discover therapy until my late-30s, which means that in my 20s and 30s I subjected my friends to all kinds of navel-gazey self-pitying horseshit every time a relationship fell apart. Not that there's anything wrong with navel-gazey self-pitying horseshit! It's just that you really should have to pay someone to listen to it. And also your well-meaning friends may in fact not know what the hell they're talking about.