My Superpowers

NOT TO BRAG BUT
  1. 1.
    I can fall asleep watching Inception.
    Twice in the theater and a third time at home. Which is as meta as you can get btw.
  2. 2.
    I'm really good at ironing dress shirts.
  3. 3.
    If I grow a beard and let the hair on the back of my neck grow out, I can get it all to connect below my ears.
  4. 4.
    I can 86 a pint of Talenti in under 5 min.
  5. 5.
    I know exactly when to hit ▶️ so the DVR stops fast-forwarding the second the commercial break ends.
  6. 6.
    I know how to change the name of my router and wifi network.
  7. 7.
    I never lose my keys.
    Except for one time in college when I was shrooming, and even then I found them later in my hat; I'd been walking around campus with them on my head all day.