these don't exist, but they should.
  1. welp
    exclusively for negative restaurant reviews. reviews must end with "oh, welp!" example review: "this olive garden is the worst. our waiter said her name was olive but we knew she was full of shit because she totally looked like a janice. oh, welp!"
  2. whiskr
    dating app for animals with whiskers. version 1.0 will get totally slammed for only allowing cats and dogs. version 2.0 will be open to all but the interface will be totally ugly and the buttons too small for paws so everyone will abandon it. oh, welp!
  3. candi crush
    chat forum for people with crushes on girls named candi (short for candace). you have to enter your birthday when you register and if it's not before 1995, you can't sign up due to explicit content.
  4. gapquest
    it's like mapquest but it can only lead you to gap retailers. if you check in to five gap locations, you unlock the "gap queen" badge which gets you a $15 gift card to gap kids, non transferable.
  5. kwitter
    social network for people who quit twitter because they didn't have the stamina to maintain a functioning account. example user: tweet 1 (2012): "kinda late to this lol" tweet 2 (2013): "making pizza bagels lol" tweet 3 (2014): "congrats to the tufts class of 2014, love you guys!"