PLACES I DID VARIOUS SUBSTANCES FOR THE FIRST TIME (CHRONOLOGICALLY)

  1. Wine – AGE 14
    I did part of my highschooling in France, so the first glass of wine I had was on a vineyard outside of Lyon. It was a Bordeaux, and, yes, I hate myself for this answer too.
  2. Beer – AGE 16
    My senior year, I was back in the States, and I drank my first beer, from a keg (naturally) in the garage of a Jeanine O'Brien's house in Sacramento, CA during a party while her parents were in Tahoe. "Jane Says" played on the stereo, and I was incredibly uncomfortable the entire time.
  3. Hard Liquor – AGE 17
    In college, I discovered that vodka/cranberry was delicious, and had 5 of them before the Vassar "Welcome Freshman" formal. I went with a nice Southern girl named Blythe, and halfway through the dance I threw up down the front of her dress right after she said she might be falling in love with me, but right before I told her I was "most likely gay."
  4. Cocaine – AGE 18
    A wealthy Italian kid who lived on my dorm hallway introduced me to cocaine off of a pale yellow dinner plate sitting on the armrest of his BMW parked in an East Village alley because I was super nervous about going to Bowery Bar on Beige night. I honestly thought I was the world's most charming man that night. I was most likely not.
  5. Weed – AGE 17
    I met a boy named Kris with a K, and we smoked in his NYU dorm room underneath a Pulp Fiction one-sheet while watching Family Guy. Afterward we walked to Two Boots where I ate almost an entire pizza named after Mr Pink in Reservoir Dogs. I really felt the thematics were important at the time.
  6. Ecstasy – AGE 18
    We all took our hits upon getting off the train at Grand Central, and it kicked in while standing in line for the gay entrance to Tunnel. I'm still friends with the guy I met that night by silently petting his hair.
  7. Special K – AGE 19
    The dancefloor at Arena. Given to me by the DJ. This was a terrible idea.
  8. Mushrooms – AGE 20
    The woods behind Vassar. We tried to build a bonfire on the edge of the lake by collecting sticks and lighting them with a Zippo. Security was called.
  9. GHB – AGE 21
    Hiro at The Maritime Hotel by a two very blond, very Midwestern boys who said it's "way better than booze because there are no calories." This was also a terrible idea.
  10. Molly – AGE 28
    A room at the Beverly Hills Hotel on the night of the Emmys (no relation). This was a terrific idea. After it kicked in, we went dancing, and I had to step away for a half hour to write myself an email about an idea I had for a "life-changing" play that involved the phrase: "And in ACT III, the survivors of the bomb discover Parcheesi." This play has still not been written.