STARBURST FLAVORS RANKED

  1. RED -- By far the most delicious. THIS is what hydrogenated palm kernel oil, sugar and modified food starch should taste like. All the other Starburst flavors either want to be Red or fuck Red.
  2. ORANGE -- A little off the beaten path, but not too far, like when you wanna have a mojito, but everybody at your table is already getting a mojito so you order a caipirinha to satisfy the same craving, but also be your own man. It's like that.
  3. PINK -- Everything about this flavor is basic. I think the dye color is actually just called "Whatever It's Pink." If this is your go-to flavor, you've also had at least one discussion about how Marilyn Monroe was "just such a victim."
  4. YELLOW -- I mean, I appreciate anything that's the color of a lithium addicted 1960s housewife’s kitchen, but this flavor is the worst. Only acceptable solution is to give to a child, or to that annoying person who didn't buy candy at the movies, but still insists on eating yours.