Mental health trigger warnings galore for this post.
  1. This year had already clinched the title of "worst year of my life" back in May but that hasn't stopped it from padding its stats, to use a sports metaphor.
  2. And there is still 4 months to go?!
  3. I have not been enjoying working on the movie very much.
    It's just a job to me. A desperately needed cash grab. Everyone else on the set is in their element, doing what they love or at least like to do professionally. I'm just a tourist. I don't belong there.
  4. And I'm working 12-16 hours a day on this feature film shoot through at least 9/14. Taking a lot of shit and not getting paid nearly enough.
    All the while I've been sick with seasonal allergies, so I can only manage some symptoms until it passes.
  5. And I'm having to learn my part in the production of "Harvey" I will be performing onstage that opens on 9/16 without the benefit of much rehearsal because work is making miss it.
    I'm the type of actor that fucking loves rehearsal. I love the work of putting together a show. I mean I'll get by with limited rehearsal. I've done Shakespeare on a week's notice with three total rehearsals before opening night.
  6. And my ex-wife (it still stings so much to type that) is communicating with me about our joint tax return because the CPA we are using is a friend of her family.
    If she is having a hard time with any of this she's definitely not showing it to me. She's constantly having friends & family come visit her and go on fun adventures. She's planning a trip with her sister to go to Australia. Meanwhile I couldn't get her to commit to a honeymoon destination, my first pick of Hawaii was shot down for being "too far away and too expensive".
  7. I feel comfortable talking about my divorce with less than a handful of people in my life.
    I've started to notice how uncomfortable some people are when I bring it up casually in conversation. Everyone just acts like this is normal, as if I haven't gone through and am still going through a major traumatic experience that can't be brushed off with the rote sentiment of "It happens" or "Life goes on", etc..
  8. I have been trying so hard not to become bitter but when the constant sadness and anger are not cathartic I don't know how else to manage except to dissociate.
  9. Meanwhile Life is going on, all around me and that doesn't mean life is all flowers and sunshine.
  10. On Thursday I happened to be passing through a residential neighborhood while doing work errands before that day's call time. My co-worker Brandon was driving and noticed a work van for a local plumbing company parked at a house being renovated.
    The company is owned and operated by a friend of ours named James. We slowed down to peak if he was on site so we could say a quick Hello.
  11. I saw a young man sitting on the ground rolling a body over. We asked him if everything was okay. He looked up stunned and exclaimed "Please call 9-1-1".
    I dialed the number and jumped out the truck. As I approached them I could see that this was in fact James laying on the ground. Completely still and blue in the face with some clear bile coming from his mouth. The 9-1-1 operator had us lay him down flat, tilt his head back and check for any signs of breathing or pulse. There were none. The EMTs made it there in about two minutes. They started trying to revive him. More and more emergency personnel started showing up.
  12. James' young employee got a hold of his wife and oldest son on the phone. The scene continued to get more chaotic. I have a statement to the police then I had to walk away. About half a block away to sit down on the sidewalk in the shade. I felt nauseated and almost started hyperventilating. I grabbed my phone and nearly called Lizzie.
    Because of course she is still the first person I think of to reach out to for support when I am vulnerable.
  13. James' family started arriving on the scene. I couldn't bring myself to walk back over. I'm sure that was as much for my own benefit as it was for them.
    I just couldn't do it. I was trying to keep it together.
  14. After about an hour the scene started to dissipate. We had to get back to work. Brandon had overheard someone say that it appeared to be an aneurysm and that he probably died instantly.
  15. I don't belong here.
    Back in my hometown, a place that I will always love but was happy to never return to again full time. Especially since I am back living with my parents again.
  16. If "Home is where the heart is" and your heart is broken does that make you homeless?
    Sure feels like it. I'm not hopeless but just need some small victories, a momentum change. I need 2016 to stop. I can't find solid footing to step forward until the sucker punches stop.