AN INTRODUCTION TO THE SPORTS, COURTESY OF MY GIRLFRIEND

  1. Baseball
    Somebody throws the ball from the diamond and if he hits it, he runs to the next base. If they caught it, he’s out. If it’s far far away, he can run around all the bases and it’s one point.
  2. Hockey
    You try to move a little puck from side to side. Oh. For a second there, I thought you were talking about air hockey. I don’t know how many points your make.
  3. Football (American)
    Starts in the middle. You pretend to pass it, then pass it somebody else behind you. There are these little lines…I don’t really know. I’ve only seen like one or two shows.
  4. Soccer (British)
    Also starts in the middle. You kick a ball or touch it with your shoulder, but not your hand. Then you kick it through the net.
  5. Tennis
    Like ping pong. Tiny little ball and racket. They pass around the ball. If the other person can hit back, they get a point. Wait, I forget if it’s a ball or a little flowery thing.
  6. NASCAR
    Bunch of people sit down in benches, eat hot dog and popcorn and soda, and watch people go in their cars round and round, and wait for a car to crash. I imagine it’s very fun, I’ve never been.
  7. Pole Vault
    What the fuck is that.
  8. WWE
    This made up wrestling show, where--they should hire better writers. What it is, is, guys who are actually athletic put on a show. They kinda real-punch the other person, and sometimes bleed. It can really fuck you up, like Chris Benoit.
  9. Golf
    Some guy and some white ball. He hits it really far and it’s supposed to go in a hole. No one ever makes it, so they keep taking this little car. It’s so lame. Why would young people like Tiger Woods play it?
  10. Boxing
    Inside a ring. They stand in diagonal of each other. They have to punch people. The managers have towels and go, “Round One,” and when they start to sweat they go to the corner and they say motivational stuff like, “You can do this.”
  11. Basketball
    You just make a basket in the other side. It's kinda stupid.