THINGS I WON'T DO AT MY HYPOTHETICAL WEDDING RECEPTION

I'm fun & have a great attitude
  1. Let my husband hunt under my skirt in front of everyone for the garter and then shoot it at his bozo friends for them to catch and hold like a trophy while everyone cheers and makes "woo-woo" kissy noises
    Srsly wtf
  2. Smash cake into my face after I've been trying to keep my makeup looking good all day and have frosting get all up in my hair
  3. Maybe I'll throw the bouquet.........but I know how much people hate standing over there to catch it. Is it just me who hates that? Well this is MY WEDDING here so I don't care if people like it, I've always hated it!!
    I'll just throw my bouquet randomly at someone while they're eating
  4. Stand in a line talking to my parents' friends for two hours and be starving while everyone else gets to eat the delicious food I picked out
  5. Have any slow songs playing for dancing--only fast jams we can get insane to.
    Even my stupid First Dance will hopefully be something like "No Diggity" by Blackstreet or "Work It" by Missy Misdemeanor Elliott
  6. Do stupid poses for the photographer. I'm calling the shots here; I've watched 12 seasons of Top Model in one month & I'm a photography expert now, and you are Not going to make me hate my wedding pictures you jerk!!
  7. Make people give speeches--probably just parents? Or I will ask people if they want to and let those people do it bc that is a lot of pressure & everyone always remembers when people do a bad job