WHAT MY WIFE IS DOING, RIGHT NOW

  1. Talking on speaker phone.
  2. Texting.
  3. Folding laundry.
  4. Flipping through the mail and realizing her bank statement is wrong, and wondering if that obscure Amazon transaction is a hacker.
  5. Making a mental note to call Amazon.
  6. Then the bank.
  7. Identifying that smell from last night is still there.
  8. Concluding that there must be a dead animal under the house.
  9. Telling me, across the room, to go look under the house for a dead animal, telepathically.
  10. Questioning our relationship because I am not telepathic.
  11. Planning future custody arrangements for our child.
  12. Wondering how we're going to afford school for our child.
  13. Finding out there is one sock missing from the laundry.
  14. Remembering she left it at the foot massage place yesterday when she remembered she needs to do a load of laundry.
  15. Scheduling her afternoon around a foot massage.
  16. Figuring I'll forget to pick up our child from school.
  17. Canceling the foot massage.
  18. Imagining her first date, now that we're divorced.
  19. Reconciling with me, telepathically again.
  20. But only if things change.