THOUGHTS ON HAVING CHILDREN
I am 39. I have been married for almost 2 years. People are wondering, including me.
- •If I did have a baby, would I ever again have a day where I don't need to do anything?I am uncomfortable without a certain amount of wide open time.
- •How much do I like babies?My friend who always knew she never wanted kids once said, when asked if she wanted to hold a baby, "I don't drive a stick." I relate to this.
- •How much do I like children?I worked at a daycare once and we took the kids on a field trip to the eye doctor. One little boy learned he was color blind. Later, when we were walking to the swimming pool, he looked at a stop sign, turned to me, and said "what if all I could see were the white letters suspended in the air?" I liked him.
- •How much do I like teenagers?Based on myself as a teenager, not at all.
- •Who do I think I am?Why should I get to decide to make a baby?
- •Who does anyone think they are?How do people justify this choice?
- •How are people just able to do this, unlike almost anything else big?Why don't people need an application or license or permit to be a parent?
- •Is the human race worthwhile?I am ashamed of a lot of human behavior. But I also get chills reading a good book or hearing a good song, stuff made by humans.
- •Could I even, physically?Remember, I'm 39.
- •Do I have the energy?I just learned that the oldest woman alive turned 116 years old this month and she has a 77 year old daughter. This means she had a baby at my age and then lived 77 more years. This thought blows my mind, and makes me super tired for her.
- •Maybe it would give me more energy/better perspective.You know, a new outlook on life. I have a few friends who did not plan on having / reluctantly had kids and now they are grateful. Maybe?
- •Maybe it would wear me down completely.One friend who is a father said to us "don't do it," and Another with a 2-year-old jokes a little too hard about missing events "now that my life is over."
- •Would the child also have issues with depression and anxiety?I do not want to be responsible for putting anyone in this situation.
- •Could the baby ever be cuter than the cat?No.
- •I am envious of people who know for sure if they do or don't want kids.Where does the knowing come from?
- •If I'm ambivalent about it, I probably should not do it.Shouldn't there be a longing for this? I don't have that.
- •What if I end up having a baby anyway?Then I will make a new list.