THOUGHTS ON HAVING CHILDREN

I am 39. I have been married for almost 2 years. People are wondering, including me.
  1. If I did have a baby, would I ever again have a day where I don't need to do anything?
    I am uncomfortable without a certain amount of wide open time.
  2. How much do I like babies?
    My friend who always knew she never wanted kids once said, when asked if she wanted to hold a baby, "I don't drive a stick." I relate to this.
  3. How much do I like children?
    I worked at a daycare once and we took the kids on a field trip to the eye doctor. One little boy learned he was color blind. Later, when we were walking to the swimming pool, he looked at a stop sign, turned to me, and said "what if all I could see were the white letters suspended in the air?" I liked him.
  4. How much do I like teenagers?
    Based on myself as a teenager, not at all.
  5. Who do I think I am?
    Why should I get to decide to make a baby?
  6. Who does anyone think they are?
    How do people justify this choice?
  7. How are people just able to do this, unlike almost anything else big?
    Why don't people need an application or license or permit to be a parent?
  8. Is the human race worthwhile?
    I am ashamed of a lot of human behavior. But I also get chills reading a good book or hearing a good song, stuff made by humans.
  9. Could I even, physically?
    Remember, I'm 39.
  10. Do I have the energy?
    I just learned that the oldest woman alive turned 116 years old this month and she has a 77 year old daughter. This means she had a baby at my age and then lived 77 more years. This thought blows my mind, and makes me super tired for her.
  11. Maybe it would give me more energy/better perspective.
    You know, a new outlook on life. I have a few friends who did not plan on having / reluctantly had kids and now they are grateful. Maybe?
  12. Maybe it would wear me down completely.
    One friend who is a father said to us "don't do it," and Another with a 2-year-old jokes a little too hard about missing events "now that my life is over."
  13. Would the child also have issues with depression and anxiety?
    I do not want to be responsible for putting anyone in this situation.
  14. Could the baby ever be cuter than the cat?
    No.
  15. I am envious of people who know for sure if they do or don't want kids.
    Where does the knowing come from?
  16. If I'm ambivalent about it, I probably should not do it.
    Shouldn't there be a longing for this? I don't have that.
  17. What if I end up having a baby anyway?
    Then I will make a new list.