EX BOYFRIENDS BY FIRST NAME

  1. Andrew
    Age 13: Went on one group date that ended with everyone playing football in my front yard. In the middle of the date I went inside to watch 20/20 with my parents and never spoke to Andrew Kowalski again.
  2. Pete
    Age 16: So hot. Lifeguard. Called me prude. Showed up on my doorstep naked at 4am (twice). Told me smoking was gross (while he was smoking). Broke into strangers houses and used their hot tubs. Told me I had a hot body, but I could do some sit ups. Got drunk for the first time ever, after we stole vodka from my boss. His mom hated me.
  3. Ross
    Age 18: First love. Confessed my love for him at a spring break party. He dumped his gf and then needed to wait a week out of respect. Life of the party. Wildly insecure. His mom walked in on us having sex. Looks like Adam Levine. Pathological liar. Pressured me to get married at 19. Loved me a lot. Feels awkward when I see him now.
  4. Eric
    Age: 28 Actor. Met at backyard bbq. Actor, most famous for White Squall (1998).i saw White Squall 52 times in 1998. I dated my teenage movie crush. Vegetarian. Rescued guinea pigs. Had posters of Morrissey on his ceiling. Has "Janie" tattooed on ring finger. Manipulative. Was not the best version of myself, but I blame him.
  5. Jake
    Age 26: Hometown hookup, that dragged on for two years. Writer. Depressed. Really good cook. Hardly ever spoke to anyone ever, so when he spoke to me I melted into the universe. Drug problems. Great family. Choked me once during sex. Overweight but hot. So smart. I cried for days when it ended. I tried so so hard.
  6. Brandon
    Age: 29 Met on tinder. Cute in a nerdy way. Early adapter of butter coffee. Super fun date at wii spa. Brilliant mind. Never ever not high. Zero emotional connection. Got in bed fully clothed (including belt) every night. In hindsight maybe a touch of megalomania. Definition of vanilla sex.
  7. I've kissed a lot of frogs!