WHY I Sometimes Wish My Husband Was Gay ...

...but of course I really don't (though in some ways it would be nice🎶it would be nice🎶)
  1. He wouldn't always wear the same old ratty and kinda baggy jeans, especially all over NYC. I happen to know his jeans are clean enough but they Don't Look clean enough.
  2. He wouldn't have to have SPORTS on the damn TV all of the damn time. (And I like sports, to a damn degree, but C'mon!)
  3. There would not always be Some Imperial Reason that he MUST see this specific game or that particular game. (Is there anything more exciting to watch than a no-hitter? Yes! and it is called Golf).
  4. He might actually like to wander into cute and colorful shops with me when we travel, instead of downright assuming that there is Not Possibly One thing inside said shop that could Ever interest him so he must instead stand outside acting like his shoes are three sizes too small.
  5. He might own more than four pair of shoes.
  6. When getting ready for a party, he might try on two different shirts and ask me to pick which one!
  7. He wouldn't roll his eyes when I lug a boatload of outfits downstairs (plus shoes, accessories) in hopes of getting his opinion on what I should wear to this or that event (He wouldn't just go: "What you already have on is fine, it's Fine! Don't make such a big deal out of it!")
  8. He might possibly be more of a Broadway musicals maniac? (Although his dad loves Streisand, so he actually knew "Funny Girl" before we met.) (Still, he can't see five shows in three days, like my sisters and I have been known to do).
  9. He might sometimes be The One to say let's go the movies. He might even stay for both features at the Starlight Drive-In! Even go to the old-school snack bar and fetch popcorn w extra butter, and peanut M&Ms (PS my actual fellow would never be that nonsensical. Not in a million years).
  10. He might not always kill me in Backgammmon. I'm just thinking that could be possible.
  11. He might even go on the Inman Park Tour of Homes with me and admire the furniture, tapestries, craftsmanship, the most fabulous personal collection of Fiesta ware he's ever seen!
  12. Surely he would put drops of Grecian Formula like Ronald Reagan must've done (& Bob Costas must do) so that he wouldn't look older than he is?
  13. Ok, all that said, he is still a Top Guy and I really must ask myself: Do I want to be with a guy who has a thing for Paul Rudd the way that I have a thing for Paul Rudd? (Or Jonathan Groff, for that matter. Or Daveed Diggs).
  14. And I should point out that he does do 98% of our grocery shopping and 100% of our cooking— and his gourmet cooking is better (ask anyone) than anything you can find in any gourmet restaurant on this Planet.
  15. (But for dinner parties, I still hafta sneak out to get bread and dessert). (He regularly rolls his eyes and hisses in disgust: "We DONT need it!").
  16. (He grew up in the military so it's often about what you NEED as opposed to what you might like or want or just, you know, 🎶— it would be nice).
  17. He can do anything. He designed & built soaring bookcases, a pond and bottle tree in our backyard, a beautiful stone wall. He carved butterflies into our porch railing as a li'l surprise for me. When we lived in the woods, he strung up a million tiny lights so folks would go under a gorgeous twinkly tunnel driving up the gravel road to our house.
  18. (WHEN I read this list at the ATL li.st meetup, people went "awwww!" over that last bit).
  19. Totally gnarly sex. If he were gay, that might not be happening?
  20. But WE are gay. As in happy, bright, jovial.
  21. (As Hamilton learned...& as any married types know: it's all about compromise).