An English Major's Required Reading That Shouldn't Have Been Required Ever

Ok so as it turns out I'm feeling an unanticipated reverence (nostalgia) for all my assigned readings, and I'm having to really put myself back in the mindset of an overwhelmed sophomore with ~*~*better things to do than read the divine comedy*~*~
  1. The Divine Comedy
    I know there are some dope metaphors in this adorable triad but this journey makes no sense and the version I bought had the original Italian on one page and a English translation on the adjacent. Who is going to read the Italian?! Even if you know antique Italian you're not about to read each page twice! FOH Dante.
  2. The Scarlet Letter
    American Classic, yes, but listen here: when the entire book is so ambiguous that the whole thing could be a metaphor for WHATEVER YOU WANT then I'm out. I'm out!
  3. Portrait of a Lady
    Wow so I guess American lit ain't my thing. But this book is annoying and the main character is a straight up baby who makes confusing decisions and I have no sympathy for her or anything she stands for (America?).
  4. Song of Myself
    🎶soooong song of myself! Sweet potato pie and a🎶 NO. No, Whitman, you hippy. You contradict yourself, you contain multitudes, sure, sure. We all do! You are full of yourself and you were too sexual for your own good.