Ways you're killing your sex life

  1. Your significant other bites at your ear and asks if you want to go to funkytown. You respond by licking his eyeball and asking, "is that funky enough for you?" Then you stab him with an ice pick.
  2. You cook your husband his favorite dinner with the hope of wooing him into bed. You forget to tell him that the secret ingredient to your rib marinade is arsenic. He has a second serving, spends the night in the ER, and dies.
  3. Your boyfriend complains that you haven't had sex in over a month. You nod sympathetically and then shoot him in the tender part of his stomach with a bow and arrow.
  4. It's been a long day, and the hubby wants to fool around but you just want to watch reruns of Scrubs and cuddle on the couch. When he expresses disappointment, you punch him in the nuts and then hire a hit man to take him out.
  5. You surprise your husband after a long day at work by wearing sexy lingerie and lying on the bed in a seductive pose. Your husband is thrilled until he is ensnared in the bear traps you have strategically placed throughout the bedroom.
  6. You plan a romantic Hawaiian getaway for you and your guy. On the plane, you squeeze his hand and ask flirtatiously if he wants to join the mile high club. Then you pull the latch to the emergency exit and watch as he tumbles 35,000 feet to his death.