A GRUMPY BARISTA'S THOUGHTS ON YOUR DRINK ORDERS

@louisa_rd and I are barista sisters at the most hopping third wave (ok that's a stretch) student-run campus coffee shop on our caffeine-addled Top Ranked Bourgeois University. These are the thoughts that immediately run through my head when you place an order.
  1. Large coffee
    Word. This is what I get. Most caffeine for your buck. Do you have a roast preference? (Light = good, dark = you hate yourself.) And would you like room for milk? (Pussy.)
  2. Anything bottled / canned
    This is awesome only because I have to do literally no work besides ring you up
  3. Americano
    Nice! Not my fav and really only tastes good if you get the small since the large only has more water (we do 2 shots in all our drinks) and my co-worker could get second degree burns on this 210 F water, but a solid choice.
  4. Tea
    I looooooove helping people pick out teas. So fragrant! So fun! It's nice seeing what people are looking for in a tea (traditional v wacky, caffeine levels v herbal, instructing perfect steep times). Only downsides are tying the tricky bags and I think our almond tea is solely responsible for the drought in CA. Also, scalding water safety concerns.
  5. Lattes
    This is what you order if you have great faith in our staff of 32 to all produce the same quality drink or if you have no fucking idea about coffee / espresso. I'm not going to do latte art for you because there's a line out the door, bud. AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT
  6. Skim cappucino
    Do you hate me? Do you know anything about organic chemistry? Skim Capps are very frustrating to pull off to my satisfaction because the lower lipid level in the milk fucks up the foam. Ugh. Waste of milk but y'all order them anyway, you crazy beautiful disasters
  7. Single / double shot
    You're probably a European grad student. Honestly, this can be hit or miss during rush periods, sometimes people don't get the chance to check the shot pulls.
  8. Mocha
    Basic, or you have no idea what you're doing
  9. Macchiato
    You have no idea what this is because Starbucks ruined it and I'm going to get a sick pleasure out of watching your confused face when I hand you a 3 oz cup.
  10. Chai
    Basic, too sweet for my taste
  11. Soy Chai
    More basic, but tastier
  12. Small Iced Dirty Soy Chai
    The Most Basic. WHY DOES EVERYONE ORDER THIS WITH VOCAL FRY??????? Or you are @maira, who is the only person I can tolerate ordering this
  13. Anything with soy, really
    9 times out of 10, you aren't getting soy for a legitimate dietary or medical reason, just to be "healthier." This results in me getting to charge you $.70 more for a product that is higher in sugar, calories, and fat than normal milk. Do your research, people.
  14. Cappuccino
    Honestly I may accidentally hand you a latte, but you probably won't notice
  15. Iced coffee
    You are my true bae
  16. Iced caramel latte
    Starbucks has ruined you. The flavor isn't going to blend because of the temperature, but I get the appeal.
  17. Hot chocolate
    This is only acceptable if you're 12 or under. I think international peeps order this a lot because the sweet chocolate is a safe bet on taste compared to some of the other weird things on the menu, which is fine. I still resent you if you order this, I can't explain why. 2 times worse if you order a "hot cocoa" and not a "hot chocolate"
  18. Hot water
    There's a hot water machine that does this but I admire your commitment to standing in our 20 minute line.
  19. Cortado
    Word, these are delicious and I am great at making them.
  20. Iced cappuccino
    This is literally identical to an iced latte, and both are fun to make.
  21. Iced Americano
    This is so easy to make its kind of like a break, thank you random customer
  22. Red eye / Black eye
    You managed to fuck up two perfectly good drinks at once with this one (normal coffee and an espresso shot). 1. You don't need that much caffeine, ever and 2. if you do, just drink one after the other