THE MODERN WOMAN*'S GUIDE TO THE CHICAGO WINTER: A LOVE SONG

* or for anyone who ascribes to certain notions of femininity // tries to wear heels in the snow. now taking suggestions from my fellow frigid sisters
  1. 60% of your body heat escapes through your head and feet
    COVER THAT SHIT UP YO. hat hair be damned, you should at least have like, one of those LL Bean Nordic ear covers
  2. natural fibers > synthetic ones
    this may be controversial but that wool coat is better, per oz of weight, than that synthetic fill
  3. remember high school physics when picking out shoes
    if you're wearing heels, they should be chunky. ideally, you would have a friend or beau whose arm you can clutch on when tottering around. otherwise, WALK ON THE SNOW. even if the ice looks broken up, it's much better to walk on snow and use the lower friction coefficient than to try out glass and just eat shit (which I have done many times)
  4. never, ever go outside with wet hair
    rules I break: this one
  5. alcohol may make you feel warmer but it's actually doing the opposite!
    not that you should stop drinking (or start) but, hey, it's all a lie
  6. shove your cold toes into the back of the knees of whomever you are cuddling with
    sorry, I'm a monster
  7. get coats that cover your butt
    YOU WILL REGRET IT OTHERWISE
  8. personally, for every 10 degrees it goes below freezing, I allow myself another .3% in uber surge pricing
    you do you
  9. don't wear jewelry outside once it gets to -40F
    earrings will freeze from the inside of your skin out and you will get frostbite
  10. get thee to a nursery
    specifically, a warm humid place w lots of plants where your skin can remember what it feels like to feel healthy and nourished for an hour. this also helps with seasonal affective disorder!
  11. you probably have seasonal affective disorder
    sorry babe, the sun is going down at 4 pm and we are all sad and cold. them's the breaks. I find that breaking your usual routine / traveling around the city / finding opportunities to enjoy outdoor activities (ice skating, snow fights, sledding...?) makes you hate it less
  12. it will end around mid-April and we can all then go to the lake.
  13. memorize very quickly who salts their sidewalk in your neighborhood
    SHOUTOUT TO MY HOMIES, the Mormon church on 52 and uni. best neighbors ever, so lovely, so gracious, so good at being citizens.
  14. if you see a car stuck in the snow, you are obligated to go over and help push.
    🎼 we're all in this together🎧