LIP BALMS, RANKED

Today's edition of "Things I didn't know I had strong opinions about until I downloaded li.st"
  1. 9.
    EOS Lip Balm in Summer Fruit
    Tastes disgusting and feels disgusting after a few uses. Collects dust like no other and also starts looking like a nipple after awhile bc you can apply to both lips at once but there's a little bump in the center that doesn't get worn down bc your mouth is a thing
  2. 8.
    Smiths Rosebud Salve
    This stuff was okay in my book based on the pros (nice pigment, moisturizing, cool tin I can reuse once it's gone) and cons (it's gross to apply with your fingers, goopy, glorified petroleum jelly that costs $7). But THEN I fished it out of my makeup bag this morning and the fucker didn't want to open bc it had laid on its side for too long and had moved from the bottom of the tin to the side. So now it's on my fucking shit list
  3. 7.
    Maybelline Baby Lips
    I think it's kind of weird to want lips as soft as a baby's so that some guy who gets all up in there will think he's kissing a baby. It's a weird concept. Think about it. Also weird tints and flavors.
  4. 6.
    Lipsmackers
    These were the fucking bomb because they were so collectible but honestly it was pretty easy to accidentally pick a gross flavor. I always left them in my pockets where they ruined not only themselves in the wash but also entire loads of laundry.
  5. 5.
    Chocolate Chapstick
    Taste is okay, but it really gives a nice pigment to the lips (not joking, it darkens them just a tad) and pretty moisturizing as well
  6. 4.
    Dylan's Candy Bar Lip Savers
    Again with the problem of having to apply with your fingers but these were really moisturizing and not gloopy and actually tasted good. My fave was coconut bonbon.
  7. 3.
    Burt's Bees Honey Lip Balm
    Very moisturizing, nice neutral flavor, but honestly a little overhyped and too much $$$. I feel like it should WOW me and it just doesn't.
  8. 2.
    Soft Lips Vanilla Lip Balm
    I had one in high school and it was pretty moisturizing but it got MAJOR props because it was a tiny lil tube and it made me feel like I had sexy Angelina Jolie lips
  9. 1.
    Arches National Park Lip Balm
    Listen. This is my ride or die. The best Chapstick I've ever had. I got it on vacation after I "lost" my inferior Chapstick brand spf-15 Chapstick and. It. Was. Life-changing. Fresh and kind of lemony but also kind of tingly and it reminded me of the outdoors. I ran out of it about 2 years ago and I don't think I'll ever be so lucky to find more of it (so I may or may not be hoarding the empty tube. Who's to say really)