HOW MY THERAPIST WOULD REVIEW MY BOOKS ON GOODREADS

I'm a novelist. This is how I imagine my therapist would review my books on Goodreads.
  1. The Opposite of Love--4 1/2 stars
    The author seems to have done lots of good work with an amazingly talented therapist to write so realistically about mother loss. Deducted half a star for description of main character's therapist's office as having out of date magazines. Seems an irrelevant and slightly hostile detail.
  2. After You--4 stars
    One character is mute. Interesting, no? Also about grief. Maybe author should call her therapist? It's clearly been a while and this book, in my impartial opinion, indicates she may have more work to do.
  3. Everything About Everything (unpublished draft) --2 Stars
    This book is apparently loosely based on author's grandmother's life. Why would she think anyone would want to read that? Classic narcissist.
  4. Tell Me Three Things (pubs 4/16)--5 stars
    Charming young adult novel, but again with the mother loss! Author has published three books now in which she kills the mother character. Perhaps it's time to go back into therapy to avoid becoming one note. Also why would a married 38 year old woman and mother of two want to write a love story about teenagers? I would suggest she and her husband consider instituting a weekly date night.
  5. Work in Progress--5 stars
    Author kills DAD on page 2. Julie, seriously, call me. We NEED to talk.