THINGS I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME BEFORE I HAD A BABY
- •You will have to feed them every half hour and then when they get big THREE meals a day PLUS snacks. Ridiculous.
- •Sleep and showers are not a basic human right but a privilege.
- •Sneezing=peeing forevermore. There I said it. Makes me question my long held beliefs that God is a woman.
- •You will accidentally talk to your partner in baby talk. Don't beat yourself up when it happens, you sweet little pickle, you.
- •You will resent your partner and when not speaking in baby talk say hateful unforgivable things. But maybe he deserves it because he didn't have to push a garden gnome out of his vagina.
- •Do not bitch slap woman from prenatal yoga who tells you she was back in prepreggers jeans five days after giving birth. Instead make a voodoo doll in her likeness. Much more effective.
- •You can have it all and you can have it all at the same time so long as you redefine having it all to include under eye circles and cellulite.