THINGS I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME BEFORE I HAD A BABY

  1. You will have to feed them every half hour and then when they get big THREE meals a day PLUS snacks. Ridiculous.
  2. Sleep and showers are not a basic human right but a privilege.
  3. Sneezing=peeing forevermore. There I said it. Makes me question my long held beliefs that God is a woman.
  4. You will accidentally talk to your partner in baby talk. Don't beat yourself up when it happens, you sweet little pickle, you.
  5. You will resent your partner and when not speaking in baby talk say hateful unforgivable things. But maybe he deserves it because he didn't have to push a garden gnome out of his vagina.
  6. Do not bitch slap woman from prenatal yoga who tells you she was back in prepreggers jeans five days after giving birth. Instead make a voodoo doll in her likeness. Much more effective.
  7. You can have it all and you can have it all at the same time so long as you redefine having it all to include under eye circles and cellulite.