There is a human sized shit on my lawn. I am, for various reasons, deeply disturbed by this, and am therefore compiling a list of plausible alternative scenarios.
  1. It was a horse.
    It wasn't a horse. There are no horses in my neighborhood.
  2. It was a very large dog.
    Nope. Not a dog. It's behind a ledge that wouldn't be accessible to a large dog. And it looks like human shit because it is HUMAN SHIT ON MY LAWN
  3. My husband sleep walked outside and took a dump.
    Nope. He doesn't sleep walk nor shit in his slumber.
  4. My mother in law sleep walked outside and took a dump.
    Again, unlikely. Public pooing is just not her style.
  5. I slept walked and took a dump.
    Actually I want to take this off the list because I think I'd be even more freaked out if I was the secret culprit.
  6. The Crap Bandit came back nineteen years later and is hunting me down.
    When I was a freshman in college there was a poop bandit who every Saturday night would leave gifts for our dorm in random places. The girl's shower. The hallways. Perhaps he's (and I say he just because I feel like that's a safe assumption, no?) tracked me down and left me a special present?
  7. Aliens.
    Obvi only logical explanation.