Some of these are truly horrifying, but most of them will just make you wonder how I even made it to adulthood
  1. Got stuck in a doll high chair
    I was only like one, but I was the size of a 3 year old; I was an abnormally tall, chubby kid. My big sister and I were up in the middle of the night when she coaxed me into the tiny high chair. I woke my parents up screaming. With the help of some butter and my dad pulling me one way while my mom pulled the chair the other way, I got out with only a few mental/emotional scars
  2. Got stuck under the kitchen table
    I somehow caged myself in the center of all the chair legs and couldn't find my way out. I know these stories aren't helping my case, but I swear, I was a really smart kid. Please believe me, my smarts is all I got!!!!!
  3. Asked an offensive question at a laundromat
    There were 2 mixed-race children there with their white mom, so, having lived in a secluded country neighborhood for my entire 3 years of life and having never been to school, I asked my own mother (in my loudest toddler whisper) "mama, how'd that white woman get those black babies?" What an idiot!
  4. Rolled my own head up in the car window
    I was probably about 4 years old. My mom and I were in the pickup-line, waiting for my sister to get out of school, and I saw my cousin Sandy in the car across from us. As I said, I was a very chubby kid, so when I leaned out the window to say hi to Sandy, my belly hit the window button and it rolled up on my neck. My mom was talking to me and didn't realize what was happening until I didn't respond. I had a red line on my neck for like a week
  5. Crapped my pants at daycare
    I was too afraid to raise my hand and interrupt the children's classic, Mike Mulligan and his Steam Shovel. That was a damn good book tho, can you blame me??
  6. Got sent to the principals office for talking about my mom's boobs
    I was in kindergarten. My friend Eric and I were overheard comparing our moms boob sizes. Eric: *arms outstretched* "my mommy's boobs are this big!" Me: *arms outstretched further* "my mommy's boobs are THIS big!!" We went back and forth like this for several minutes before being caught and sent to Mrs. Raymer's office where she told me that I was being "unladylike" to which I replied "fuck off, ya old bag!!" Just kidding, I just cried a lot and begged her not to call my parents
  7. Dropped my pants in PE class
    I insisted on wearing a pair of pants that were entirely too big, and of course, it was PE day. I was doing jumping jacks and they just fell right off of me. However, I pulled them up with such speed and dexterity, I'm almost certain no one caught sight of my skid-marked Blues Clues panties
  8. Pissed my pants in the computer lab
    This one wasn't my fault. I raised my hand for what felt like ages and Mrs. Acre just kept ignoring me! That bitch! So I just pissed right there in my chair. I was then told that there was a new rule that we didn't have to ask and we could go whenever we needed to. I was like "bitch where????? This ain't college, this is first grade!!"
  9. Accidentally locked myself in my grandparents bathroom
    and proceeded to have a full-on meltdown. To this day, I still don't shut the door all the way when I use their bathroom because I'm paranoid af
  10. Fell off a trampoline
    I was jumping on the trampoline by myself because my sister was being hateful, and I made the mistake of staring up at the trees. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground with the wind knocked out of me. To this day, I've never told my parents. That might explain my lack of short term memory as well as why I can't jump on a trampoline without feeling like my brain is bouncing around in my skull