WHAT I REMEMBER ABOUT THE PERIOD OF MY CHILDHOOD WHEN I WAS BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED

***trigger warning***
  1. I remember early mornings in our Monte Carlo
  2. The leather seats cold but sticky on my chubby legs
  3. Climbing out of the car in the dark
  4. Mama kissing us bye and saying "be good"
  5. Watching PBS Kids over bowls of Rice Krispies
  6. Laughing with Courtney at the snap, crackle, pop
  7. Poppy in his chair
  8. Him kissing me on the mouth
  9. Courtney sitting on his lap
  10. Helping Mammy in her flower beds
  11. Poppy working on his lawn mower
  12. I remember mid-days
  13. Taking Willy for a walk
  14. Washing my hands
  15. Ramen noodles for lunch
  16. Poppy asking Mammy to make him some
  17. Tall glasses of sweet tea
  18. Poppy drinking buttermilk
  19. Buttermilk was sour but I drank it anyways
  20. Asking Mammy if we could get the dollhouse out of the attic to play
  21. I remember afternoons
  22. Mammy napping in her recliner
  23. Poppy watching that same old VHS of Cops
  24. Him saying the n-word
  25. Asking me if I wanna wrestle
  26. The itchy tiger blanket in the spare bedroom
  27. Poppy's rough hands on my chubby thighs
  28. Jesus on the cross on the wall
  29. Jesus in a frame on the wall
  30. I remember evenings
  31. Mama picking us up
  32. Her asking if we had fun with Mammy and Poppy
  33. Telling her I wrestled with Poppy
  34. Her crying
  35. Not understanding why she was sad
  36. Putting my hands under my chubby thighs to keep them from sticking to the seat
  37. I remember months
  38. The building with the blue roof
  39. The office with the Old Maid cards
  40. The lady asking me questions about Poppy
  41. White teddy bears in the strange doctors office
  42. Lying on my belly on the table
  43. Not seeing Mammy and Poppy for a while
  44. Mama being angry
  45. Daddy being angry
  46. Courtney being angry at me
  47. She was always Poppy's favorite