REASONS YOU SHOULD STOP TRYING TO MAKE "FETCH" HAPPEN

It's not going to happen.
  1. Who even says "fetch" these days?
  2. The last time I heard someone use it in a sentence was when my grandma asked me to "fetch" her glasses from the kitchen because she was sitting on that saggy part of the couch and didn't want to get up.
  3. I know she has bad knees so I did it.
  4. I'm not a hero, but I guess I'm a pretty helpful person.