PEOPLE I MET ON OKCUPID

  1. Self proclaimed druid who tried to set up our second date at the Unitarian church
  2. Dude who had an arranged marriage set up, but neglected to mention it until we met in person
  3. Dude whose only interests in life are Bollywood dancing and Michael Jackson
  4. Dude who invited me over to his house, but refused to let me in because of his dead beat brother
    He blocked my entrance back into my car and tried to convince me for 45 minutes to have sex in the back seat before he let me go.
  5. Guy who texted me five times a day before our first date to say how excited he was to see me then stood me up
  6. Guy who claimed to be an avid reader but refused to even try Kelly Link because the covers look too girly
    Spent the entire date telling me about the slasher film screenplay he's totally going to write one of these days. He insisted that I hug him before he would let me leave. Never heard back from him after the first date though. Pity.
  7. Guy who was happily unemployed living with parents, but requires all of his girlfriends to have a steady income and a car
  8. Girl who only went on dates with other girls who had the same first name as her
  9. Girl who showed up with her boyfriend angling for a threesome on the first date
    This has actually happened twice.
  10. Shy and kind of boring software engineer who talked too much so our conversation just kind of trailed off
    He sent me an email with the subject "I guess you've given up on me," so I didn't open it for 2 months because boring and needy. When I did finally open it, turned out he thought I'd found out about his ex-wife's restraining order and wrote 2k words on why he's not a wife beater. Ran into him later at a bar while on a date with the next dude. Awkward.
  11. Guy who ditched me to hang out with his friends from Burning Man while he went to go find his coke dealer
    He came back high off his ass and kissed like he was trying to suck my lips through a straw. After the first date he kept texting me abstract sharpie drawings he was doing on pieces of driftwood.
  12. Normal seeming accounting student who loved dad jokes
    On the third date we were at my apartment, which was in an attic and had a sloped roof. His idea of pillow talk: "You know Anne Frank lived in an attic? I hear she got really baked at camp." He kept texting me for a year after I ghosted him.