Oddly Specific Fortune Cookies I'd Like to Open

  1. You don't have whatever chronic illness showed up in WebMD's Symptom Checker
  2. No one will notice if you wear the same pair of pants 4 days in a row next week
  3. Next season's trends will be flattering for pear shapes
  4. Your Google Drive will never run out of space
  5. None of your friends are talking shit on you
  6. That guy you're about to run into thinks you're cute too
  7. One Direction is only on a temporary break
  8. Your tweets are funny and everyone thinks so
  9. Free furniture is right around the corner. (No literally, your neighbor will put a free dresser out on the corner next trash day)
  10. No one remembers that embarrassing thing you did in 2007
  11. Your mom thinks you call and text her often enough
  12. You're fine, promise