THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

An unfortunately true story
  1. I went to the National Aquarium of Ireland when I was in Galway because I'm a huge ocean/marine life nerd
    Legit ask me anything and I will prob be able to answer
  2. There was a total of maybe 10 people in the whole place, including myself and my best friend Kristen
    P disappointing if I'm being honest.
  3. BUT there was a really cute guy who was about to start a tour of the upstairs tanks
  4. So obviously we joined his group
    It was me and Kristen, and three children under the age of 10 with their parents
  5. The entire tour we were plotting ways to get him to come join us out later because the more he talked about baby turtles and the difference between all the rays in the touch tank, the more my heart melted into a puddle of emotion
  6. So we finally pulled him aside and chatted with him while the family of five were posing with the Aquarium mascot
  7. And I finally grew a pair (of ovaries) and asked him if he wanted to come to my favorite pub, The Quays with us that night
    To date, the boldest I have ever been
  8. And he said yes and even said he would bring a friend for Kristen
    IT WAS BEAUTIFUL AND GOLDEN AND RARE I COULD LITERALLY FEEL THE SUNSHINE PEEK THROUGH THE CLOUDS TO SMILE UPON ME
  9. Here is where it all goes wrong:
  10. The aquarium has a massive spiny spider crab, which is apparently a huge deal. Like it's really old and large and impressive. So as he is telling us about the crab, I start to notice him getting really worked up about it
    Which is so great. I love when anyone gets super passionate about anything they're talking about. I'm still on board with this!!!!
  11. But I start to notice him gazing softly at the crab while he's talking
  12. And I see him pick it up and gently turn it over on its back so he could fondly stroke its shell
  13. And then I see him stare lovingly into this crab's beady little eyes
  14. For a full three minutes.
  15. Just staring.
  16. At this crab.
  17. The way everyone wants someone to look at them.
  18. I genuinely thought I was imagining it.
  19. Until Kristen nudged me and whispered,
  20. "Yo. Is he in love with that crab?"
  21. I'm telling you guys.
  22. It was the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.
    AND I LIKE WEIRD OKAY? I am so down with regular weirdness. But not a forbidden love affair with a spiny spider crab
  23. Which by the way, looks like this
  24. I tried to stick it out and rationalize it.
    Maybe we both misinterpreted it. Maybe it's a cultural thing. Maybe he's just really into his job. Maybe he was thinking of something else while staring at the crab.
  25. But then his coworker came along and said,
  26. "Aye put the crab down and get on with the tour will ya? Always with the crab, jaysus"
  27. So we left the aquarium because I started choking on my laughter.
  28. And did not go to the Quays that night.
  29. Instead we went down to the Claddagh at midnight and stuck our feet in the freezing cold River Corrib and laughed like idiots over this insanely hot Irishman who was probably sexually attracted to a crab.
    And screamed "ALWAYS WITH THE CRAB, JAYSUS" loud enough that the entire city could hear
  30. Fin.
  31. UPDATE: it is 100% real