Things I Can't Do Tonight

My therapist is out of town so she canceled tomorrow's sesh and I'm definitely fine with it lol nothing is going on here I am cool as a cucumber on ice in the Arctic Circle lmao
  1. Finish my laundry
    Literally the easiest chore and yet I haven't done it in maybe a month! Note to self: do not buy yourself 30+ pairs of underwear because you will trick yourself into thinking you don't need to do your wash! You do! You are a gross human!!!!!
  2. Finish cleaning my room
    See above!!!!!! Why can't you just keep it tidy like an adult!!! You have every tool at your disposal!!!!!! You have literally 20 square feet of space to straighten and clean and yet you are typing this list on your phone for 14 people to read and roll their eyes at!!!!!!!!!!!
  3. Write a new set
    I just felt the urge to try and write some new jokes tonight and gave up because I am no longer funny and maybe never was and also everything is terrible and in 150 years no one who is currently alive will even be here anymore so what does it matter if I can't muster up the creativity to write jokes to perform in front of 6 people who will maybe chuckle tepidly if I'm lucky????
  4. Fix my side view mirror
    I think it just snaps back into place but I can't make it work and no one is awake or able to help and what if I'm driving down the 110 tomorrow and it flies off again then I am fucked!!!!!!!!!
  5. Stop overanalyzing the journals I kept sporadically from 2008-2014 and just recently reread
    I was so weird! And naive! And dumb!! And self-obsessed! I am still all of these things nothing has changed!!!!!! Also still lowkey very annoyed at that one guy who never even kissed me during our semester abroad despite definitely being mutually interested!!!!!!!! What the heck!!!!
  6. Engage in retail therapy
    BITCH YOU ARE BROKE AND DUMB AND NEED ABSOLUTELY ZERO MORE EARTHLY POSSESSIONS YOU CANNOT EVEN TAKE CARE OF THE ONES YOU CURRENTLY OWN
  7. Move to a Gaeltacht where I can live in solitude with no Internet connectivity and speak broken Irish all day and idk pet livestock and wear wellies and ignore everything and everyone who has ever cared about me
    Although I do have 13 tabs about visas and emigration currently open on Chrome so who knows anything could happen lol slán go fóill Connemara
  8. Convince myself that my friends/family/coworkers/acquaintances/everyone on the World Wide Web don't actually hate me
    S/o to @michael_circa91 for telling me this is not true but also lol what if you do
  9. Text my friends in a self-obsessed, anxiety-induced panic
    They are all either asleep or at work or otherwise indisposed but also even if they were I am fully aware that they do not need to bear the brunt of my dumb selfish lame pity party!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also see above re: paranoia!!!!!!!!!
  10. Stop myself from publishing this list
    Because I know how wonderful you all are so you will comment nice things on this and give me the attention that I am desperately crying out for but honestly and sincerely do not deserve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My life is objectively very wonderful and overflows with blessings and privilege and should be endlessly fulfilling and yet here I sit on my kitchen floor writing a list that I will absolutely regret publishing in 30 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  11. Bury my face in my dog's neck and sniff really deeply
    HE ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BROWN SUGAR AND GRASS AND IT ALWAYS CENTERS ME BUT HE IS 2,700 MILES AWAY FROM ME FOR THE NEXT FIVE WEEKS LMAO EVERYTHING IS DANDY