Things I've Had to Pretend Not to Enjoy to Avoid Being Tested on My Fandom

Please stop making me recite facts and trivia about things I casually like to prove I'm a Tru Fan™, and I'll stop lying to you about whether or not I care about them
  1. Philadelphia sports teams
    I can't recite their entire starting lineup or analyze their stats or probably even tell you their record this season but I love going to games and will watch them if they're on TV. Is that okay??
  2. University of Pittsburgh sports teams
    See above
  3. Actually, every sports team or athlete I've ever remotely cared about
    I am very interested in sports! I love sports! But oh my god I am PARALYZED by the prospect of having to discuss stats and pitching lineups with you if I mention that I like baseball.
  4. Star Wars
    Yes I saw these for the first time when I was 19 and I thought they were great but no it did not fundamentally shift my life in any meaningful way and I cannot tell you what planets they are all from I'm so sorry but can I please just say that I'll probably go see Episode VIII without needing to prove that I deserve to watch it?
  5. Star Trek
    I liked watching it when I was hungover in college and the JJ Abrams movies are fun to watch but yikes don't ask me anything about Klingon
  6. The Rolling Stones
    I know their greatest hits and I like them a lot but I can't name three of their albums I'm so sorry but really I just wanted to sing along to You Can't Always Get What You Want
  7. The Strokes
    I love Is This It a lot but I cannot be made responsible for analyzing the rest of their discography please just let me play Last Nite on the jukebox
  8. Nirvana
    I will discuss Kurt Cobain conspiracy theories with you all day but I only know like 3 of their songs and I'm terrified you're going to make me recite the lyrics to Heart Shaped Box if I tell you that I like their music
  9. The Shins
    My ex was really into them and I liked the songs I remember him playing in the car but I have not followed their post-2008 evolution so I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you ask this question
  10. Seinfeld
    I watched this all the time with my parents as a kid and I really loved it but I can't name all of Jerry's girlfriends or remember all the before-they-were-famous guest stars and I really have nothing else of value to add to the conversation besides "I liked it and it was funny! Ha ha!"
  11. American history after the Civil War
    Listen I didn't even take a class that focused on post-industrial U.S. history until I was a senior college because my K-12 curriculum emphasized world civ and the American revolution (we lived near Philly so it makes a lot of sense if you think about it okay???) so I am mainly self-taught in this subject and I'm Very Sensitive about it!!!!!!
  12. Cars
    Yes I enjoy being able to do basic maintenance and can find pertinent info on my vehicle in a pinch but no I do not know how many cylinders my engine has tbh I bought a Volvo because we have been buying cars from that dealership since I was 4 and I trusted them and it was in my price range okay please stop trying to goad me into speaking to the benefits of Swedish automotive technology just because you saw the Volvo logo on my keys
  13. Poetry
    I mean I enjoy poetry in a nebulous sense but I can't give you my top 10 post-impressionist poets or whatever you just asked, man in a crew neck sweater on tinder, honestly I can't even remember the number of syllables in each line of a haiku
  14. Gaeilge
    I just really don't want to have a one-sided convo in a foreign language you can't understand with you at this bar, bro
  15. Pittsburgh
    Look I was a broke college student who didn't care about the city's sports teams at all when I lived there and I'm sure you and your husband do not want to spend your weekend in dingy bars in Southside or smoking weed on a jungle gym in Schenley Park or laying on the roof of my shitty Oakland apartment so idk what you want me to tell you Debbie?? There are hella museums I guess? The sandwich with fries on it???