TOPS I OWN BUT NEVER WEAR

  1. Literally every free tshirt I got in college
  2. Crop tops that I bought in summer 2012 when I thought my abs would last forever
  3. A really cute black top that I didn't realize was completely sheer until I wore it on stage during a taped performance and transfixed everyone with my bright red bra
  4. A purple kind of lacy top that I must have brought back from a parallel universe where I'm proportional because it literally hasn't fit correctly since I left the dressing room
  5. At least $4,175 worth of shirts that still have the tags on them because I intended to return them but was too fucking lazy to actually do it within the grace period
  6. Honorable mention: a coral blazer that everyone told me I would definitely wear a ton and was definitely worth the $75