TWEETS I NEVER SENT
- •Thought I could never live in NYC because I don't have innate distrust & categorical contempt for my fellow man. Then I spent 10 min in NYC
- •Something I like to do is pretend that birds talk about their eggs the way that white parents talk about their children's accomplishments👇🏼
- •"We're so proud, our last dozen were sold to a Whole Foods in the Hamptons." "Poor Eliza, her last batch ended up as Egg McMuffins"
- •Just ONCE I would like to complain about my oatmeal exploding in the microwave without being reminded of the bigger global issues at hand
- •I spent 8 summers at church camp and the only remotely religious thing I learned was that @danacarvey and Dr Seuss are also Lutherans
- •In elementary school, some kid played off giving the bus driver the finger by claiming he was "shining his tooth" and he remains my hero
- •"Good thing I spent 2013-2015 making 6-second videos on my phone instead of gaining marketable real world experience!!!" - everyone on Vine in 2 yesrs