TWEETS I NEVER SENT

  1. Thought I could never live in NYC because I don't have innate distrust & categorical contempt for my fellow man. Then I spent 10 min in NYC
  2. Something I like to do is pretend that birds talk about their eggs the way that white parents talk about their children's accomplishments
    👇🏼
  3. "We're so proud, our last dozen were sold to a Whole Foods in the Hamptons." "Poor Eliza, her last batch ended up as Egg McMuffins"
  4. Just ONCE I would like to complain about my oatmeal exploding in the microwave without being reminded of the bigger global issues at hand
  5. I spent 8 summers at church camp and the only remotely religious thing I learned was that @danacarvey and Dr Seuss are also Lutherans
  6. In elementary school, some kid played off giving the bus driver the finger by claiming he was "shining his tooth" and he remains my hero
  7. "Good thing I spent 2013-2015 making 6-second videos on my phone instead of gaining marketable real world experience!!!" - everyone on Vine in 2 yesrs