1. How far apart buttons on a shirt should be
  2. How to do an atomic wedgie
  3. A bra doesn't work well as a shirt
  4. Don't trust the dentist if they have to put you under
  5. Not wise to shave chest hair
  6. Barbers love Edward Scissorhands
    Makes total sense. Why wouldn't they?
  7. You can drive well after your car gas tank is on empty
  8. It's easy and fun to make a bouquet from TV Guides
  9. I can be my best self if I do the opposite of what I would normally do
  10. Cheap wedding invitations are hazardous to a persons health
  11. The library detective will find you no matter to make you pay a fine
  12. It shrinks like a frightened turtle
  13. You can catch STDs from a tractor seat
  14. Fish can't survive in parking garages
    Suggested by @audreypalumbo
  15. A reservation does not, in fact, guarantee you a car
    Suggested by @audreypalumbo
  16. Zip codes are meaningless
    Suggested by @audreypalumbo
  17. Don't take books into the bathroom
    Suggested by @audreypalumbo
  18. People who are deaf aren't perfect lip readers
  19. You can always spare a square
    Static
    Suggested by @kates08
  20. Pastrami is the most sensual of all the salted, cured meats.
    Suggested by @egiuffri
  21. Spit can change direction in mid air.
    Static
    Suggested by @beatlesmccuen
  22. Whales are mammals
    Suggested by @egiuffri
  23. To beware of shrinkage
    Suggested by @MatthewAlmont
  24. The city really doesn't need more slow-moving wicker vehicles.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  25. Ending with the twist is better than ending with the twirl.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  26. Dumps in the NYC area with not take muffin stumps.
    And neither will Rebecca DeMournay and the homeless.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  27. Woman get dumber when they abstain, while men get smarter.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  28. You should always pay for the key surcharge when buying a new car.
    Cuz otherwise how ya gonna start it?
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  29. Florida is where old people go to die.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  30. You can't move furniture in to an apartment on Sundays.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  31. You can "Yada Yada over sex.
    Suggested by @kiraandlulu
  32. Having a reverse peephole could help you avoid an ambush with a sock full of pennies.
    Suggested by @kiraandlulu
  33. Having a talk show in your living room is a great way to catch up with friends
  34. Wearing a "man fur" and a European carry all can make you look like a bit of a dandy.
    Suggested by @kiraandlulu
  35. How to save a whale 🐳🐳
    Suggested by @jaidub
  36. You shouldn't feed a horse Beef-a-Reeno
    Static
    Suggested by @jaidub
  37. Always leave on a high note
    Static
    Showmanship.
    Suggested by @jaidub
  38. Buying a car based on a famous person owning it before you (allegedly) is not a sound decision.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  39. If you want to date Elaine, you'd better be pro-choice.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  40. You don't get to pick your own nickname.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  41. Eating your peas one at a time is frowned upon in some circles.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  42. There are no small diseases, only small actors.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  43. It's not a lie - if YOU believe it.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  44. Eating your candy bar with a knife and fork is how high-society types eat their desert.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  45. Exporting bottles and cans to Michigan for the $.10 refund is not a viable business model.
    Even using a Post Office truck.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  46. "The Lopper" is a stupid name for a serial killer.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  47. "Manssiere" and "Bro" are both decent names for the first support undergarment designed specifically for men.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  48. His father was a mudder. His mother was a mudder.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  49. Serenity now - insanity later.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  50. There's no such thing as fat free yogurt.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  51. Re-parking cars in the streets of NYC is not as easy as it sounds.
    Especially when Woody Allen is filming nearby.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  52. When a conversation is cut off with of course...... It is best to wait and see what they were going to say.
  53. Don't gift a sweater with red pen marks on it.
  54. Sandwiches aren't necessary for mountain climbing. Turning your ball cap around is.
  55. Never agree to watch a dog named Farful for a random British stranger you meet on a plane.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  56. If you are in charge of getting someone to their NYC marathon on time, make sure to set lots of extra alarms.
  57. If you are watching a marathon, don't hold hot drinks by the railing.
  58. Baseball teams wear polyester uniforms because, while they may not breathe like cotton, they will not shrink.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  59. Never trust a doorman.
    Especially if he looks like Larry Miller.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  60. "Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well" is a stirring little anthem of wellness.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  61. If you want to plug a whale's blowhole with a golf ball - use a Titleist.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  62. It's cheaper to store your blood at home than in a blood bank.
    Their fees are outrageous.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  63. Boggle is a terrible Bar Mitzvah gift.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  64. If the bakery runs out of the bread you want, you should not steal it from an old lady.
  65. A big salad is like a salad- only bigger.
  66. When checking an immigrant's mail for them, make sure to give it back in a timely manner. They could be waiting for an important letter and get deported.
  67. You can impress the boss by being the first one to the office and the last one to leave. This will involve sleeping under your desk during the night.
  68. Putting your clothes in the oven is a great idea to keep them cozy warm.
  69. When you stay at an older relative's home in Florida, they will probably keep the AC at a high temperature. Plan that you will be hot.
  70. You can't show up to a party at someone's house with Pepsi.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  71. Mackinaw Peaches are the best peaches.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  72. You should never accept your parent's friend's offer to give you his astronaut pen.
    Even if it does write upside down.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  73. We should all strive to be like the black and white cookie.
    Giphy
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  74. If you give a wedding gift and they break up, don't be upset if they keep the gift.
  75. A used wheelchair is not as good as a brand new one.
  76. Marissa Tomei has a mean right cross.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  77. "Women and children first" is a somewhat antiquated notion - to some people.
    Giphy
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  78. A Pez dispenser can make the best or worst concert date, depending on your perspective.
    Suggested by @ladyprofessor
  79. When eating pretzels, always keep a water bottle handy.
    Suggested by @ladyprofessor
  80. How to handle things when you need someone to stop talking their nonsense and get out of your face:
    Giphy
    Suggested by @ladyprofessor
  81. You can't replace the coolant in your car with blood and expect it to keep running.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  82. It's better to just do what the crabby chef says if you want his world famous soup. NEEEXXTTTTT!
  83. It's best to avoid falling asleep when sunning oneself with butter.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  84. Wearing people's clothes is a breach of the Dry Cleaner's code.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  85. Don't even try and get in to the Friar's Club without a jacket.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  86. Peeing in a public shower is frowned upon in some (most) circles.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  87. Not all babies are attractive.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  88. Everybody loves the Drake.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  89. It's hard for a lady to resist the good looks of JFK Jr.
  90. Just bc your friends boyfriend is a car salesman, you may not get a good deal
  91. The East river is not the most overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard.
    Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  92. We have a deal with the pigeons.
    We look the other way on the statue defecation, they get out of our way when we drive.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  93. Raquel Welch doesn't move her arms when she dances.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  94. If your uncle is stealing, don't turn him in. He will seek revenge.
  95. Your best friend may not honor a deal to get engaged/married.
  96. "You are soooo good looking" is an appropriate response after someone sneezes.
  97. Having a special nap area built under your desk is a great idea.....
    Until there's a bomb threat.
    Suggested by @BWN_7
  98. When you control mail, you control information.