WAYS NOT TO SPEND A SUNDAY NIGHT

so this just happened
  1. Getting all settled in bed. Have already done "good nights" with kids, and getting ready to watch a good (bad) horror flick until husband gets home from work (a little past midnight)
  2. Hearing a scream-screech and realizing it is coming from your daughter!
  3. 14yo is screaming "THERE'S A SCORPION BY THE DOOR!" while it has basically trapped her in the bathroom
  4. Frantically looking around for the nearest adult to take care of this and realizing it's you.
  5. So you have to do something about said scorpion
  6. All you would LIKE to do is join your daughter on the footstool she is standing on and scream right along with her
  7. Realize that your husband doesnt get off work for another 45 minutes so you will have to do *something* in the meantime
  8. Side List: THINGS YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT WANT TO DO ON A SUNDAY NIGHT
    -get a few ALL CAPS texts telling him to come home ASAP, bc OMG SCORPION!!!
  9. 17yo son is trying to help, but he has Atypical Autism, and the Sensory Overload is a bit much, what with the screaming and the SCORPION!
  10. Look around for something to put over it. Cup? No, it isn't clear (I want to be able to keep an eye on this thing). Box? No. Oh! Empty peanut tub! Okay!
  11. Communicate with daughter thru door - where exactly is this thing? When we open the door where will it be? Is it moving? Is it dead?
    I'm calm, I'm cool, I'm the adult, I NEED A XANAX!
  12. Open door while chanting "Please let it be dead, please let it be dead."
  13. It's not dead.
  14. Quickly cover it with jug.
  15. Now what?
  16. 70 pound dog who has spent the night on my lap because she's been terrified of the fireworks going off is completely confused as to why we are all scared NOW when the booms have finally stopped? And why is peanut jug on the floor? And why can't I sniff it?
  17. I can't close the door unless I move the jug back. If I move the jug, knowing what a klutz I am, the outcome is debatable. Omg.
  18. Okay - will slide a piece of paper under jug.
  19. AAAAHHHHH!!!!
  20. Try to slide paper under while not lifting jug. 14yo and 17yo keep yelling out helpful information. Thanks guys.
  21. Slide paper under and OMG YES DEFINITELY ALIVE AND CAN MOVE FAST OMG I DO NOT WANT THIS JOB!
  22. Okay. Paper under. Slide jug/paper scorpion trap back far enough to close door.
  23. He is circling the inside edge.
  24. Omg what if there is a gap? They can fit thru the tiniest cracks! We need something to weigh it down! A book? No. Um....oh!! A candle! Yes sure why not!
  25. Candle on peanut jug. We can close door now.
  26. We DO NOT close door and instead all stand in semi-circle around bathroom door (w/confused dog) waiting for husband to get home.
  27. 30 minutes later, he does. It's a little past midnight. He laughes at us standing guard, then goes into bathroom.
  28. I don't even care if he is laughing because I gladly hand over the Responsible Adult duties to him.
  29. We close the door. Both kids have retreated to thier rooms and are now standing on their beds while I am standing on a chair.
  30. We ALL yell helpful advice to Husband thru door. Dog begins barking because she obviously has some advice to add also.
  31. Husband quickly and efficiently disptches scorpion.
  32. I give the kids some Melatonin and give myself a Xanax.
  33. Husband goes blacklight scorpion hunting thru house and yard because he is awesome. 14yo climbs in bed next to me and we hide there.
  34. I hate scorpions. 🦂