SEVERAL TIMES I VERY NEARLY DIED

  1. THAT TIME I ATE A TOOTHPICK BY MISTAKE
    Those frilly tipped bastards might be good at holding a sandwich together, but they're even better at making you terrified of a perforated stomach when you forget to remove one.
  2. WHEN THE UNIVERSE TOOK ISSUE WITH MY PRIDE AND I TRIPPED ON A GARDEN HOSE
    There is nothing quite like falling on your face and severely spraining an ankle seconds after loudly proclaiming how awesome you are to, well, yourself, to force a bit of humility.
  3. WHEN I IMPALED MY LEG ON A RUSTY GARDEN STAKE
    Let's just say picking daffodils can be detrimental to your health. If you're going to stop and smell the flowers, may I recommend looking where you are going first
  4. EVERY TIME A WASP GOT IN MY CAR WHILE I WAS DRIVING
    I haven't crashed into a tree quite yet, but I assume it is only a matter of time
  5. THAT TIME I REVERSED INTO A TRUCK AT A STOP SIGN
    That was occupied by terrifyingly large dogs and one irate woman
  6. WHEN I GOT DRUNK AND WENT TO THE SHARED BATHROOM BAREFOOT IN A CO-OP HOUSE
    Don't be like me.
  7. GEESE
    I'm pretty sure these feathery spawns of satan are trying to kill us all
  8. WHEN I FAILED AT BASIC BODILY FUNCTIONS AND CHOKED ON MY OWN SALIVA
    Honestly surprised I'm still alive
  9. THAT TIME I SPRAYED PERFUME DIRECTLY IN MY EYES
    If you're going to attempt to spray perfume to cover up the weed smell in your bedroom, please make sure and check that the nozzle is facing away from your eyes
  10. WHEN I WAS DRIVING AND A WASHING MACHINE FELL OFF A TRUCK IN FRONT OF ME
    One of the only times my near death was not the fault of my own incompetence