TRUE CRIME: A HISTORY OF THINGS I STOLE AS A YOUTH
I was a terrible child, and a sometimes terrible teenager, with poor impulse control.
- •GLASS PEBBLESWe used these to learn counting in kindergarten. I fucking loved them, and didn't think I should be only able to use them class, so I pocketed a handful. This was the very first thing I ever stole.
- •LITTLE MERMAID GIGA PETMy mom bought this for a Toys for Tots drive. I decided I deserved it more. Like I said, I was a terrible child.
- •JAR OF TINY SEASHELLSIt was beautiful and purple, and topped with a ribbon. I bought it as a souvenir for my friend when my family visited Florida. I was upset that her family used it as decoration, because for some reason I thought tiny shells deserved to be played with, so I stole it back. We are not friends anymore.
- •BARBIE CLOTHESI wanted them, so I took them. This was one of the first things I ever stole from an actual store. My mom found out, and made me return them.
- •ADHESIVE CRYSTAL TATTOOSI was like a damn magpie, if it was shiny I had to have it.
- •GLITTER TANNING OILSee above
- •TALKBACK DIARYI was so afraid I'd be caught with it by my parents and questioned about where I got it, that I threw it in the snowbank next to our driveway. I didn't think about the fact that the snow would melt and was probably not the best hiding place
- •MONEY FROM MY PARENTSSometimes from my mom's purse, sometimes from the jar of change on her dresser.
- •TWO BOTTLES OF MIKE'S HARD LIMEI was 14, and me and my best friend had decided that we wanted to try and get drunk for the first time. I found them in a relative's fridge and thought they wouldn't notice. They never mentioned it, but I'm pretty sure they figured it out.
- •MOTEL ASHTRAYI attended a birthday party for a friend in a motel room. I didn't even smoke at the time.
- •MY FATHER'S SCOTCHI never saw him drinking it, and assumed he never would. I was 16, and it was the worst thing I ever drank. I took one sip, almost vomited, and still refuse to touch scotch. This was pretty much the last time I ever stole anything, so thanks for keeping me from a life of crime, you disgusting alcohol.