TRUE CRIME: A HISTORY OF THINGS I STOLE AS A YOUTH

I was a terrible child, and a sometimes terrible teenager, with poor impulse control.
  1. GLASS PEBBLES
    We used these to learn counting in kindergarten. I fucking loved them, and didn't think I should be only able to use them class, so I pocketed a handful. This was the very first thing I ever stole.
  2. LITTLE MERMAID GIGA PET
    My mom bought this for a Toys for Tots drive. I decided I deserved it more. Like I said, I was a terrible child.
  3. JAR OF TINY SEASHELLS
    It was beautiful and purple, and topped with a ribbon. I bought it as a souvenir for my friend when my family visited Florida. I was upset that her family used it as decoration, because for some reason I thought tiny shells deserved to be played with, so I stole it back. We are not friends anymore.
  4. BARBIE CLOTHES
    I wanted them, so I took them. This was one of the first things I ever stole from an actual store. My mom found out, and made me return them.
  5. ADHESIVE CRYSTAL TATTOOS
    I was like a damn magpie, if it was shiny I had to have it.
  6. GLITTER TANNING OIL
    See above
  7. TALKBACK DIARY
    I was so afraid I'd be caught with it by my parents and questioned about where I got it, that I threw it in the snowbank next to our driveway. I didn't think about the fact that the snow would melt and was probably not the best hiding place
  8. MONEY FROM MY PARENTS
    Sometimes from my mom's purse, sometimes from the jar of change on her dresser.
  9. TWO BOTTLES OF MIKE'S HARD LIME
    I was 14, and me and my best friend had decided that we wanted to try and get drunk for the first time. I found them in a relative's fridge and thought they wouldn't notice. They never mentioned it, but I'm pretty sure they figured it out.
  10. MOTEL ASHTRAY
    I attended a birthday party for a friend in a motel room. I didn't even smoke at the time.
  11. MY FATHER'S SCOTCH
    I never saw him drinking it, and assumed he never would. I was 16, and it was the worst thing I ever drank. I took one sip, almost vomited, and still refuse to touch scotch. This was pretty much the last time I ever stole anything, so thanks for keeping me from a life of crime, you disgusting alcohol.