WHAT TO DO WHEN SICK: A GUIDE

I have a very specific routine that I follow when I get ill enough to stay cooped up in my apartment that I swear by
  1. 1.
    Go to the store
    Regret this decision immediately and miss the days when there was someone to take care of me. Call my mom and whine about how I'm sick.
  2. 2.
    Gather necessary supplies
    These include townhouse crackers, soup, Vernors ginger ale, some kind of ice cream or Popsicle, ginger root, lemon, corned beef hash, NyQuil, DayQuil, Luden's Cherry Lozenges because they just taste so good, Kleenex, and garlic. Lots of garlic.
  3. 3.
    Think about how everyone in this store must hate me for contaminating the store with my germs but it's not like I have a choice I AM SORRY
  4. 4.
    Check out, getting weaker and weaker standing in line
    Think about how I just want to get the fuck out of here and why am I single this is the worst no one loves me
  5. 5.
    Finally head home
    Whine loudly to myself in the car about how I hate being sick
  6. 6.
    Unpack necessary supplies and gather all oft pillows and blankets.
    Create a sick nest on or near the couch, with all supplies prepped and ready, and apple remote within reach.
  7. 7.
    Find easy to binge comedy on Netflix, like Parks and Rec or Friends
    I can tell how sick I am by how much of the series I get through while recovering
  8. 8.
    Drift in and out of conciousness, rousing to tell Netflix that yes, I am still watching stop judging me you dick and guzzle more Vernors than I've drank since the last time I was sick
  9. 9.
    Fool myself into thinking I'm getting better until I get up to the bathroom and get dizzy.
    All that Vernors is making itself known, I won't stop drinking it though
  10. 10.
    Whine some more to myself, call my mom to whine, inevitably start crying because I am sick and I am a giant baby and I hate everything
  11. 11.
    Sleep for three hours, thankful that Netflix did ask if I was still watching since it paused it before six episodes could go by as I sweat and turn, and regret falling asleep on the couch
    Be unable to tell whether neck and back aches due to couch or illness.
  12. 12.
    Move pile of blankets to floor for a bit, then back to couch.
  13. 13.
    Repeat numbers 8-12 until better
  14. 14.
    Call my mom and apologize for being such a whiny baby. I just hate being sick.
    Know that I will do the exact same thing the next time I am sick
  15. 15.
    Continue to binge watch show I've seen more times than I can count because why would I stop now that I'm better? Might as well finish the series.