MY HAPPY SHIELD

  1. Lately I've found myself putting up my happy shield.
  2. For a while I was pretty open about a lot of things but now I worry that I'm going to typecast myself as The Girl Who Cries About Everything, a role I played too long throughout school.
  3. I have amassed a decent number of followers and while lovely, it's also a bit terrifying.
  4. So when I feel the need to write a sad or anxious list - or I do, in fact, write a sad or anxious list - I have started to rethink.
  5. I have started to get caught up again in the idea that if it isn't positive, it doesn't matter. It isn't worth contributing.
  6. Which is so fucking stupid, and yet it still has me guarding my emotions.
  7. The less pretty ones.
  8. Having an audience should mean I use such a platform to educate about depression and anxiety and what I've been going through for the past year... or ten.
  9. I'm still so intimidated.
  10. And scared that you all will leave me because I'm not happy.
  11. Because you wouldn't be the first or the last.
  12. Today is a Bad Day and I wrote a list about that and promptly deleted it, because I didn't want my followers to feel uncomfortable.
  13. Rationally, I know, this isn't FB where the BE POSITIVE memes tend to reign over the FEEL YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS ones.
  14. Logically, I know you are the kindest people I've met on any form of social media.
  15. But ration and logic have never really been my best friends.
  16. Where to go from here, I really don't know.
  17. I want to be open and honest.
  18. I don't want to hide behind my happy shield.
  19. Pretending doesn't help me or others.
  20. So I guess I'll just say this: today was a bad day, and so was yesterday. The popular thing to believe is that tomorrow will be kinder. That it's a new day and every moment is a chance to start over.
  21. But honestly I don't believe that. I've felt trapped for weeks, months, maybe years in the promise of things getting better. Of me getting better. I don't know if I will in the timeline everyone's hoping for. Expecting.
  22. But I'm trying.
  23. And I'm glad you're listening.
  24. Really.
  25. Thank you.