TW: Suicide mention.
  1. Today I had an emergency psychiatric appointment to evaluate whether or not it's time for an impatient stay.
    At $8000, it's not really an option for me.
  2. And I came to my father's to try to settle down.
  3. Of course, when I arrived he was drunk.
  4. He's been drunk a lot lately.
  5. He's not a violent drunk, he's just an emotional drunk in an overbearing way and I'd be lying if I didn't admit it scared me.
  6. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and I can count on one hand the amount of times he held my hand since I was ten.
  7. He told me I was the most wonderful girl in the world and that he knew I was doing my best.
  8. He told me that life was bullshit.
    But that we'd make it.
  9. He said I love you more times than he's said to me since I was five.
  10. He made me promise not to leave him.
    Like his sister who hung herself two years ago this August.
  11. I sent myself to bed when he was done rambling.
    But I'm still a little terrified.
  12. Not of him, but of drunken him.
    And whether alcohol is the only thing that makes him love me.
  13. I don't know what to do with this revelation.
    He wants me to live with him but I can't live with someone who drinks like he does.
  14. I'm also not sure I have an option.
  15. I can't stop thinking about that promise, though.
    The first time that he's ever acknowledged the time I tried to leave him. Leave everything.