WHY I (KINDA) SUCK AT LISTING OF LATE

I feel like maybe I haven't been absent enough to warrant this but I've also gone from thinking in lists to barely being able to think, SO.
  1. So I'm not doing super great.
  2. I wish I was one of those people who found creativity in their depressive states but I'm not.
  3. I don't know if this is a medication thing or just the fact that I'm back at uni now and I'm so overwhelmed that I'm just shutting down?
  4. I don't know if it's the fact that I feel borderline worthless because my "best" local friend cut me off more than two months ago.
    And it's hard to imagine strangers giving a damn when someone I love/d and trust/ed doesn't.
  5. I'm still gaining a ton of followers.
  6. Like, to the point that I messaged @list and wondered if it was spam?
    They told me it wasn't, and I'm one of their recommended to follow List accounts.
  7. I read that email and laughed and then started to cry.
    Because being liked here has meant a lot over the past few months but lately it's been hard to see through my shitty brain constantly telling me that I'm awful and deserve to die.
  8. I really am grateful for the fact that you all feel I'm a voice worth listening to.
    Even if, lately, it's harder to "speak."
  9. I don't want this to be another failed attempt at a hobby.
    I've quit too many times.
  10. I want to keep writing here as long as I can.
  11. I'm truly trying to think of interesting things to say.
  12. And to be kinder to myself when those awful thoughts come to mind.
    ❤️