FEAR OF THE C WORD HAS TURNED ME INTO A CRAZY PERSON

And I was already pretty crazy, guys
  1. 1.
    I don't even want to say the word
    So I had a mammogram and an ultra sound last week, and they found some growths. And I am getting extremely creative about ways to describe my possible prognosis. I am trying to say everything except the C word.
  2. 2.
    I want to talk about it but also don't want to talk about it
    I have always been the kind of person who talks through things. And I know I need to do that now. So I find that I'll talk about it. Until I start talking about it. Then I suddenly have a panic attack and want to cleverly change the conversation to anything and anyone else.
  3. 3.
    I want to be able to cry but want to stop crying
    I've always allowed myself to cry when I need to. But suddenly, about this, I can't seem to let myself. Anytime I tear up I dismiss it with "you don't even know of its the c word". There's no crying allowed yet.
  4. 4.
    I'm having panic attacks in the most random moments
    Actually this isn't new. I've always been the type of person who is calm during the emergency and panics later. So it is no surprise I've been so calm during my dr appointments and panicking at the grocery store. The gym. While walking my pups.
  5. 5.
    I'm finding that my taste in films is now MUCH TOO SAD
    "Y tu mama tambien" "My life without me" "the C word" all things I own on dvd and devour at least once every few months. Now I'm wondering why I ever watched those movies. Guys, they are SAD!
  6. 6.
    I'm listing about the c word at the dentist
    I am waiting for my son to get out of cleaning. We are going to run errands in a bit to get ready for his twelfth bday party. This is a happy thing. And yet here I am listing about this and hoping I won't have a panic attack at party city...needless to say, the one prognosis I definitely have is c for crazy.