My toxic relationship with Siri
  1. You took me down the most messed road
    And I knew it would be messed up. But did I doubt you? No. No, I did not.
  2. You changed my ETA like a million times
    But did that stop me from checking it and hoping you were being honest about at least one of the times you gave me? No. No it did not.
  3. You led my daughter to the drug dealer
    That one time, in NYC. When she was out with her dad and asked you for directions. And you took her away from the upper west side into the neighborhood where she got offered the "best weed in Manhattan". Oh Siri. Why do you smoke the crack? Or was it the weed?
  4. You don't understand my accent
    Or you do, but yet you are messing with me just to be mean. When I ask you to call my boyfriend and you call my ex husband instead, I feel like you're just being passive aggressive. How do you confuse "Blakey with the good hair" for "asshole I'm raising kids with"? (Okay relax people, I don't really have my ex husband listed that way. Not in my phone, the kids could see it!)
  5. You can't play my music
    Or open half my apps. What good are you, anyway?
  6. You don't respond the way I want you to
    When I'm trying to show off for my friends. "Look at this funny thing Siri says guys" and then you WON'T say it. Make me look crazy in front of my non friends. Make me defend you and say things like "she's so different when it's just me and her. You guys don't know her like I know her..."
  7. When you wake me up
    In the middle of the night. Talking to me with your nonsense. Pretending I was asking you a question when in fact, I was sleeping!!
  8. When you just don't give a damn
    You just stop working sometimes. I ask you to call someone, I ask you to find something. And like a true toxic boyfriend, you just stop talking to me until I beg you to come back.
  9. When you answer my mothers call
    I know I hit decline, Siri. You and I both KNOW I did. And yet there I was, half an hour on the phone, listening to the long list of ways I've disappointed her. Thanks so much, Siri.
  10. When I actually understood HER
    That movie was MESSED UP, Siri. But look what you've done to me. I actually understood what that movie was saying. You have complete control over me.