MACHINES THAT ARE ATTEMPTING TO RUMBLE WITH ME
And I'm NOT having it
- •The Kurig at workDon't defend her. She knows what she's doing. She thinks she's so fancy with her special hidden button in the back. And she has to warm up for five hundred years before she's ready to brew. Not so fancy after all!
- •The time clockYes, there is still a time clock. And he hates me. Some days he's like, oh, that's Karla's finger print. Other days he's like, I don't recognize that print. Last week he just flat out decided not to work at all.
- •The automatic light censorsDon't get me wrong, I'm all about the environment and all that other hippie stuff. But I can't sit in my class room during my off period for too long because then I will be in darkness. And getting those lights to come back on isn't as easy as it sounds.
- •The microwave in the lunch roomSometimes it heats my food to perfection. But see, that's how narcissistic appliances work. There can't be consistency. They are just evil.
- •The Chrome-booksThis year, the chrome-books have lost their damn minds. They are not recognizing log ins. They are losing entire lessons. They are just basically torture devices at this point. But I am still required to use them.
- •The vending machinesSome days they accept the dollar bill. Other days they just choose to spit it back at me while they mock my pain. They are almost as evil as the microwave. And they always fail to work when I need a sweet pick me up.
- •The fire alarmThat always go off at three am. Or at eleven when I've just drifted off to sleep. And so then I'm exhausted the entire next day.
- •The self check outIt just won't work. It thinks I'm stealing. And it refuses to scan half my produce. And it's the only lane ever open because machines are taking over the world.
- •The Stop Light by my houseIt's what jenji Kohan would refer to as the punishment light. This freaking light takes so long to change that your entire pathetic life will flash before your eyes three times before it finally changes. It likes to toy with your emotions and taunt you in a cold fashion while dismissing your pain.
- •My garage door openerThat damned thing stops working every time I can't find my key. Or when I'm exhausted. Or when I just watched a scary movie and then it locks me out. It knows when to strike, it waits until I'm completely helpless.