Requested by Kelly

My Horoscope For Today and How I Feel About It

  1. Okay I have to admit, I haven't looked up a horoscope in a LONG time
    And I hate to say this but I forgot what sign I am!
  2. And I'm looking at this and thinking. Wait, I'm a goat?
    Why in the name of all stars did I have to get a freaking goat? Like a billy goat? With a beard and everything? Thanks universe. Why do you hate me?
  3. Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to read it.
    A new career. Hmm. Well I've worked my goat booty off to get the career I currently have. And I'm in school to achieve the next career I want. But it will be a while before I achieve that so...
  4. Will I ever be ready?
    Once again. Thanks, universe. You obviously don't seem to have very much faith in me. Of course I'll be ready, you big jerk. What makes you think I won't? I mean, why would you ever say that? Now I'm wondering. Maybe I never will be ready. Why am I even trying?!
  5. "Fear won't go away by itself"
    Wow. You're like, really deep and stuff. It must be soooo rewarding to sit there and type your little horoscope doses of doom to bestow upon us mere mortals. Casting us into roles of goats and saying things like "fear won't go away by itself". Thanks a lot, captain obvious.
  6. "Stop finding excuses"
    No, YOU'RE finding excuses, you big jerk. Saying all these vague, random things devoid of any real meaning. Why don't you follow your own advice and get a real job? Come to think of it, YOU need a career change.
  7. "You've got to think positively"
    Okay now see, now I know you don't know me AT ALL. I'm perfectly content over here in my pit of negativity. If you wanted me to be positive maybe you should have given me a better sign. A goat. What in the heck is so positive about a freaking goat? Whatever horoscope, you're obviously just a list of cliches. I despise you. How's that for positive thinking, eh?