Twenty five years later and still
- •TRIGGERS. That come out of nowhereThe smell of a fruit, the fall in the air. One small change of the wind and you remember being locked up in a room with the smell of the prune tree drifting in through the window
- •ElevatorsYou've gotten better at this, You can ride them and are able to keep yourself calm (on the outside, at least). But every once in a while the small, confined space issue pops up again and suddenly you are having a near panic attack.
- •A song comes onOne so old that you never even knew it was tied to your awful memories. Until it comes on and suddenly you are having a hard time driving the car.
- •Your cousins bdayYou swore this was the year you would face her bday without pain. But her bday was one of the worst days of your life as a child. And you thought you could go to the party this year. You thought you could face it all. Yet here you are after a week full of triggers. Realizing the buttons can so easily be pushed. Accepting your humanity and knowing this isn't the year you can put that particular memory behind you. So you reply no on the rsvp. Maybe next year.
- •TRIGGERSMight always be part of who you are. They might always exist. But they don't control you anymore. They just exist. And you allow yourself that flaw. It doesn't invalidate your health. It's your healthy state that allows you to clearly see the triggers and know how to avoid them. Who to call when they happen. That allows you to list about it to the people you've come to share your experiences with.