Remembering My 21st Birthday a Year Later

I cried, I laughed, I drank, I drove a ferry. Sorry for the length of this
  1. It began with me sobbing in a corner of a Choice hotel room in the suburbs of San Fran eating beer and champagne flavored jelly beans
  2. My parents wouldn't let me go out to the bars in San Fransisco because they felt like the city was unsafe and got sketched out by the thriving homeless community (they're from Brooklyn smh) also everyone was yelling at each other at this point
  3. Back home on the East Cost it was already my birthday, I was receiving texts from friends and Facebook posts from ppl I've literally never talked to all hoping that I was in some way drunk...I really wish I had been at this point
  4. I cried to the point where my mother felt bad enough to pop open a bottle of $50 wine we got from Napa Valley to bring back home and so I no longer had to eat the artificially flavored Jelly Belly Jelly Beans we got from our factory tour earlier in the day.
  5. I drank this expensive and deliciously aged blood of Christ out a generic ceramic mug and sip by sip the tears went away...
  6. At midnight my father felt bad and consulted my sisters to find the nearest bar in suburbia that was open at this hour on a Thursday night.
  7. The only option was a Mexican restaurant called Las Piñatas...
  8. Yelp! reviews were not favorable reading headlines such as great place if you want food poisoning but if you're there for drinks you'll be fine
  9. Minutes before midnight we depart into downtown suburbia
  10. 11:56-we enter Las Piñata, sit at the bar, but are removed from the bar bc my younger sister, well, is not 21.
  11. 12:00 Weary of the Yelp! Reviews and already full from the late dinner we had, we stick to the chips and salsa and naturally we order margaritas...AT THE MIDNIGHT BUFFET. Too perfect.
  12. I downed that concoction of slush and tequila so fast because at this point it was much needed. My parents seems to be in shock how easily it went down and at that moment Frank and Peggy knew this wasn't my first rodeo
  13. We went back to the Choice hotel only after one marg bc like most 21 year olds in the morning, I wanted to...
  14. BIKE THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE
  15. Now my older sisters, parents and I were game for this but my younger sister wasn't having it because she is more of the Baby Spice while the rest of the fam is Sporty Spice
  16. It turned more into a photoshoot for @kelsey_paul as she snipped at me for not taking a good enough picture of her near the bridge for her thousands of Instagram followers
  17. I quit. I gave up on taking her picture and pondered what I would even do with my life bc I can't take a decent Instagram picture she could post. I failed as a sister and photographer all in one day that happened to be my birthday.
  18. Finally we reach the bridge. It also happened to be peak tourist season and a clear sunny day. Sardines had more room than we did trying to navigate across this icon.
  19. Alas, we escape to the other side of the bridge but where the hell is this ferry they promised?
  20. Oh wait, we have to bike down a hill?
  21. A hill that there is no bike lane for?
  22. A hill steeper than the decline of our country?
  23. At this point the fam all made the telepathic decision to look out for only yourself bc this was mf scary.
  24. Kelsey did not get the memo.
  25. She cried all the way down the hill because she said we abandoned her.
  26. Survival of the fittest young one, survival of the fittest.
  27. Once we got to the little town of Sauslito ( idk how it's spelled) we had to wait for the ferry
  28. The line looked promising until we realized that every single bike place was sold out and you had to grab a number and come back at that time
  29. Projected wait time: 1hour
  30. Actual wait time: 3 fuqin hours
  31. When our time finally came, we were corralled like pigs in a pen to get on the line to the ferry.
  32. My family unit was all together until they opened the gate....
  33. Then this ballsy Lance Armstrong wannabe cuts the line and JAMS his bike into my chiseled calf and divides Kelsey and I from the rest of the family
  34. Panic mode ensues
  35. My mother had our ferry tickets how was I supposed to board the boat??
  36. It was a scene out of a low budget documentary where an immigrant child loses her parents to the wrong ship while traveling to America
  37. LANCE ARMSTRONG WANNABE WAS STILL RAMMING HIS BIKE INTO MY IMPECCABLE CALVES
  38. My father shouts at the guy to "SHOW RESPECT TO WOMEN"
  39. LANCE ARMSTRONG WANNABE WAS STILL RAMMING HIS BIKE INTO MY IMPECCABLE CALVES
  40. Frank had had it with this class A douchebag and shouts to me "KASE FINISH HIM OFF"
  41. Now I'm a relatively calm person but when someone pisses me off, get your shin guards ready bc I'm known to kick ppl in the shins..(okay it happened one time but the fam always brings it up)
  42. I stop the line, take my sunglasses and look at this asshole directly in the eye and tell him "Could you please stop jamming your bike in my legs and you separated me from my family and my mom has my ferry ticket also it's my fuqin birthday"
  43. NOBODY RUINS MY BIRTHDAY(well except my family earlier)
  44. In a French accent he goes "What are you talking about"
  45. Me:"you know exactly What I'm talking about you cut the line and didn't wait your turn get some manners"
  46. He blows me off and proceeds to push me around
  47. I AM LIVID AT THIS POINT. EVEN STILL MAD WHILE WRITING THIS
  48. I've had enough of his bullshit so I take my janky Blazing Saddles rental bike and give him a taste of his own medicine by ramming my bike into him
  49. This p.o.s. was stubborn as hell and was fighting me back. Like really you're a grown ass man getting into a battle of bikes with a 5'4" 21 year old. What a loser.
  50. Boat security saw the panic in my eyes as they asked for my ticket and I told them this guy cut me off and my mom has my ticket. But luckily they were real cool and let me on.
  51. Just when we thought this asshole was done with his tomfoolery, he tries to bring his bike to the top deck of the ferry bc he didn't want to put it with the rental bikes
  52. The first mate saw this shit go down and told him to put the bikes with the others
  53. LAW(lance Armstrong wannabe) neglected the mates orders and went on his merry way
  54. The First Mate was not having any of LAW's bs and grabbed his bike from him to put it with the rest
  55. LAW resisted
  56. The First Mate felt threatened by this guy's sense of entitlement and called down the captain
  57. The Captain arrives to settle this, LAW still being stubborn as an ass
  58. Frank is waiting in line and yells "HE DISRESPECTS WOMEN"
  59. Both The First Mate and Captain pause at the sound of my father shouting that and make the decision to kick him off the boat
  60. LAW still resisting getting thrown off this ferry, then backup security had to come to get him off the boat
  61. I watched all this go down from inside the ferry from a distance
  62. WE DID IT WE RUINED THAT GUY'S DAY BC HE WAS AN ASSHOLE THAT RUINED MY BIRTHDAY *celebratory high five*
  63. As the ferry departed, my parents stood on the deck took pictures of the guy and like the Queen of England they put their hands in the air and waved him goodbye. Classic them.
  64. Then The First Mate approaches my family and asked us to follow him into the control room.
  65. We were all so confused wondering what they needed us for thinking we were also going to get in trouble
  66. When we get up there, he and The Captain explain to us that they needed confirmation that they had all the rights to throw that guy off because they never threw a person off their boat in their entire 20 years of diving the ferry
  67. We were like hell yes by all means he was being unruly and rude the whole time and Frank chimes in with another "he disrespects women"
  68. Then they asked where we were from, why we were biking and we told them we're from Pittsburgh and it's my 21st birthday
  69. Hearing the news that it was my 21st and how every just seems to love Pittsburghers the captain wanted to get me some beer from the bar
  70. I politely declined bc at this point all I needed was back on land. So instead he was like why don't you just dive the ferry then?
  71. The captain showed me the reins to dive this bad boy and from there I took complete control. I felt like a 5 year old who got to drive grandpa's boat on the lake, but this was no pontoon full of your drunk family, this was a three level ferry with the capacity of 300 people, and this wasn't just some man made lake, this was the San Fransisco Bay.
  72. Now this wasn't ameature hour, I was legit using starboard and commands to make this bad boy glide effortlessly across the bay without tipping it over or running into other water traffic
  73. We went around Alcatraz and we're heading over to the Bay bridge and I'm still the sole controller of this ferry
  74. They trusted me so much that the only time they took it over was when they had to dock they literally made me turn the ferry in towards the dock and took over at the very last possible second.
  75. WHAT A 180 THIS BIRTHDAY HAD TURNED!
  76. Oh yeah then we had to fuqin bike back to Blazing Saddles
  77. Kelsey fell and cried on the way back
  78. So where was I supposed to get drunk, I thought to myself?
  79. Well we had tickets to the Giants game and were running late so that was it. I had to get drunk off overpriced ballpark beer.
  80. Luckily this was all on Frank's tab
  81. 6 Blue Moons in and one Irish Coffee later, I was hammered and started calling myself "A Noble Steed" and stealing beer from everyone else
  82. My family decided I was time to go when I started threatening to fart the bums out of San Fran.
  83. I do not really remember much of the walk to the car that evening but do remember stumbling into a Jack in the Box with my mother behind be laughing at how much I kept talking.
  84. Surprisingly enough, I did not end up with a hangover the next day and rode 6 hours in the car down the Pacific Coast Highway.
  85. A year later I am laying on the couch writing this with occasional stops to throw up the alcoholic toxins from last night where I was trying to have a typical 21st bday at the ripe old age of 22.