Tales From A Segway Tour Guide
After my freshman year of college I finally possessed enough life skills to be hired as a Segway tour guide. Here's some facts that I do not tell the pretentious bastards on my tour.
- •The inventor of the Segway DID NOT DIE ON A SEGWAYAs I was giving a tour the other day some bitch decided she was the tourguide and told my tour that the inventor ran off a cliff on one. Everything about her pissed me off so I corrected her telling her it was the guy who bought it off of him. Her and her posse mocked me as if we were in middle school again. I decided to be the better person and remembered they were at least 10+ years older than me, thus pathetic pieces of shit. If I wasn't on a tour I told have clocked a bitch.
- •People fall all the time and I laugh on the inside every timeLike you would expect, a majority of the people who actually go on Segway tours are incompetent middle aged white people. Most of these falls happen when Aunt Debbie is trying to cop a sick selfie for her Facebook profile pic. Watching them take selfies is more painful to me than when they actually fall . Once Aunt Debbie falls, I pretend like I care, make sure hips aren't broken, and pull out a bag of IKEA brand bandages and tell her to suck it up.
- •At least 50% of the facts I tell on tour are made up or inferredListen, the only reason you're on a Segway tour is to ride on a fuqing Segway not to listen to my boyish voice spit out some bs facts. Literally have told people that George Washington invented the man bun on my tour and nobody questioned me because I'm the tour guide and they're not listening.
- •We have a fridge fully stocked of middle shelf liqourReserved for days where we have to call an ambulance on tour/have a group of unaccompanied minors/or just have a really bad tour group. Some say it's genetics I say it's the people who go on Segway tours that make you become an alcoholic. Ps. You can't get a dui on a Segway.
- •I have never had a famous person on tourBelieve it or not, celebrities don't want to ride these bad boys around town while wearing a helmet that has sat on countless sweaty bald heads. They can just go and buy their own Segway and ride it around town if they want ie: Niall Horan, Justin Bieber. I did give a child actor a tour today but he was a ginger D lister so obvi doesn't count.
- •I get asked out on dates by pedestrians/ passengers who could be my dad's ageThere have been numerous times I've been asked on dates while giving a tour or just riding around town promoting the company. Usually these proposals are from men the same age as my dad which a) is really uncomfortable b) very pedo-esque. For those who know me I don't look a day over 16 and often get carded for R rated movies. I now am consciously aware that there are more pedophiles than you would think in this world. Pro tip: just say you're a minor and they back off...sometimes.
- •My manager picks up chicks while giving Segway tours...and succeedsApparently nothing says panty dropper quite like a 30year old guy in cargo shorts on a Segway. Yes my manager successfully gets digits/dates from girls who go on tours, even stops during tours to flirt with random pedestrians. It boggles my mind how stupid some people could be. (He also drives a used late 90s Porsche and pretends he's an NHL player to get girls) GAG ME WITH A SPOON.
- •🚨CUTE SINGLE STRAIGHT MALES DO NOT TAKE TOURS🚨Literally the only guy who I thought was cute on tour was on a tour my very first day working. I will never forget when that beautiful soul asked me to take a snapchat for him serpentining on his Segway...akin to Adam Levine swinging his hips to Moves Like Jagger. If you're reading this mystery man, hmu. Other than that most of the guys live in their mother's basement or bought this tour for their anniversary. This needs to change ASAP.
- •I do not wear the underwear brand that apparently sponsors us???Did some social media creeping on the tour company(don't follow them) and according to the owner of our shop, we wear a certain underwear brand. THIS IS A LIE. I'm still sporting my Aerie brand underwear from middle school because they're lucky and comfortable. I do not endorse whatever the hell brand I'm allegedly wearing.
- •I've heard every Segway joke in the bookOne more Paul Blart reference and I will personally find Kevin James and sue him for the pain his shitty movie has caused me. Others include pedestrians trying to hitch hike or "they see me rolling they hating". Personally my favorite is when I just say something insulting under my breath then yell SWERVE as I swerve for real around these milk toasts.
- •Apparently I will get fat from riding a SegwayListen you peasant don't be telling me that I'll get fat on a Segway, you don't know my life. You can take your serf methods of transportation and watch me run a marathon then proceed to give a Segway tour the next day.
- •I am currently writing this list while giving a tour
- •Here is me being ironic on a Segway. Classic.
- •This was my first list. Ty @k8mcgarry for the suggestion